Restrictions and Reprimands
by Kitty O
Summary: Spin off of Rules and Regulations. The things you've always wanted to say to the cast, finally said. Season 4 spoilers. Involves morals&memos&slug-o-meters, oh my!
1. The Darkest Hour Pt 1

**A/N: GREETINGS! **

**This story, by the way, is a spin off from my story Rules and Regulations. You don't have to read it. I just got the idea from there. Here's what this story is: We watch the episodes. We react to the characters. I sit down and write sarcastic memos to the characters. I post them on here and pretend in my head that the characters received them. You review and tell me either what you thought of the episode, the memos, or guess who got what memo. I post the answers to who got which next chapter. The answers are pretty easy. And everyone's happy.**

**There will be a chapter per episode of Season 4. (Season 1 and some season 3 memos can be found in Rules and Regulations.)**

**Yes. There are spoilers. You know what they say about there being no stupid questions? Lies. Don't ask me that. **

**And yes. This is supposed to be funny. And a chance for us all to vent.**

**On with the story, eh? **

**First, a few things that are not memos that I'd like to get out the way:**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE <span>(In this section, I will say how the episode COULD have played out.)

Morgana has a man in Camelot. She tells him her plan to kill Morgause, wreak havoc on spirit and mortal worlds alike, have Arthur die fixing it, and take the throne. But Agravaine, who is rather intelligent even if he does favor his brother-in-law's illegitimate child over his sister's only son, has a better idea. Since he is not suspected by anyone, he gets Arthur alone, stabs him, flees the scene, and kills Uther while everyone's freaking out. (Or better yet, gets Arthur alone with Uther and kills them both.) Then he either puts Morgana on the throne or betrays her and takes it himself. (How much you want to bet he does that before this season is up?) Merlin is baffled. Lancelot dies because I hate him. The end.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE <span>(For the things I can't hold in but can't fit in memos.)

I would like everyone to realize that Merlin and Arthur nearly died collecting firewood. Don't they have their reputations to consider?

If you didn't get the above, you need to pay Gwaine more attention.

When did the Isle of the Blessed get a ferry woman? Who the heck is she? That's new!

Isn't it great that the smaller characters got a chance to talk? Like Cook! She was awesome! This whole episode, really, just felt different. In a good way.

How unfair is it that when there is hugging to be done, Arthur hugs on Gwen, but Merlin is stuck with… Gaius? It's a recurring incident. And it's not fair. We must get Merlin a girl…

I was right. The knights are troublemakers. Did you see Gwaine and Percy in the beginning? Oh, yeah.

Old! Mer! Lin! F! T! W!

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER <span>(Where I rank who needed to be punched in the face this episode, 1-3.)

1, Lancelot. Um, because… I always think he needs to be punched in the face. I hate him. 2, Agravaine. What right has he to be subtly evil, without even Merlin catching on? SHOCKHORROR. 3, Arthur. I love him, but he's an insensitive uncaring prat upon occasion. He doesn't get socked enough.

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THIS EPISODE <span>(The deep inner meaning of these episodes.)

It's okay to kill your injured or handicapped sister if you get some really awesome benefits from it… Like life insurance! Or the chance at the throne. Oh, I'm so keeping THAT one in mind...

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS <span>(What you're actually here for.)

**ONE ~** Stop. Stop stop stop. Leave. Die. Stop trying to be Merlin's best friend. You are not. You hear me? You are NOT Merlin's best friend! You have no right to save his life so much, or give him a talk, or to rush forward when he faints! That's Arthur's job! Arthur's his BFF! STOP IT! Oh, and not to be that evil little angel on your shoulder or anything, but you realize you could totally kill Arthur on this trip and tell Gwen it wasn't your fault, and get her? Jussayin… Not that you should try that… That wouldn't be honorable. And we all know you are the epitome of honor, O Knight That Keeps Running Away.

But I feel for you on one part. No matter how sweet a guy is or how much he likes you, you should never, ever ask him to protect the other man that you are dating. She just stomped on your heart right there. That's worse than just choosing Arthur over you. That's flat out rejection. And she SAW how happy you looked when she approached you. That's just mean.

Hatefully yours, Kitty O.

**TWO ~** You just killed your sister. The one person who cares about you more than anyone in the world… Who cares about you at all; the rest of 'em now think you're a *bleep*. How proud you must be. You could have used that magic to heal her, stupid! But I won't harp on that. Maybe she'll come back. Next thing, you have awesome dreams. I mean, old!Merlin was like… Wow. Or Emyrs as you called him. Maybe now you'll realize that's also Dragoon, think hard, put it all together, and figure Merlin out! Well, I can dream, can't I?

"I can't do this." Oh, quit being a weakling. Be the BA witch I was waiting for! The one with the cool hair style and the awesome dress! You can do this!

Oh, one last thing. Now Emyrs is your "destiny" and your "doom"? Okay, thank you writers and scary woman, for salvaging this sinking ship of shipping-awesomeness! LIVE ON, SHIP!

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**THREE ~** Though you weren't as big of a character in this episode (no time for your jokes I guess), which did sadden me, what I saw of you actually was greatness. Like the apple. The apple was hilarious. One of the only funny parts in the episode.

Love, Kitty O.

**FOUR ~** Let me give you a quick rundown of 'How to be a Best Friend 101'. One of the most important rules is this: When your best friend has fainted or is otherwise in distress, you do not just roll your eyes. You have to help. You never, ever, EVER leave BFF-usurpers (*cough*LANCELOT*cough) to carry the said best friend away while you GO TO SLEEP. What kind of awful person are you? Worry, man, worry!

But, we saw you cry for the second time in the series. YES! It was so manly and awesome and *squeals like fangirl and dies*. Sorry, I'm back. Sorry. It's so cute and sad. Don't worry; you won't die like you think.

You won't get a chance to sacrifice yourself, either. But it's nice that you keep trying. (And trying and trying and trying! Do you just hate living?)

With affection, Kitty O.

**FIVE ~** I'm sorry, give me a moment.

Did you…

I'm sorry… Did you… did you actually drop your only weapon so you could save three children by effortlessly picking them up and carrying them to safety?

You did?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! YOU WOULD BE THE CUTEST DADDY EVER! WILL YOU MARRY ME?

With all the love in the world, your admirer.

**SIX ~** Wake up, man! Wake up! Pull yourself together! Come on, where's that strong spirit that managed to take over all of Camelot and nearly wipe out an entire race of magic-users? Okay, so your daughter locked you up and was a jerkette and probably tortured you.

Well, cowboy up, darling, because you are my favorite character and I want. You. Back. Now.

Take Camelot back! Kick your brother-in-law out, yell at your son and arrest somebody innocent. Things will be back to normal in no time! You'll see.

Please? If you wake up, I'll give you a hug. And let you arrest me. It'll be fun! Like old times!

Sadly, Kitty O.

**SEVEN ~** Oh, I'm so scared. You are so obviously dead. Let me discard the knowledge that the show is, oh, I don't know, NAMED AFTER YOU. You are dead, I'm sure.

Or at least, I would think that.

But then I saw the preview for next episode, which showed you walking around.

Tell those BBC people they *sure* know how to keep a girl in suspense.

Yours, dripping with sarcasm, Kitty O.

P.S. I still love you and your ears!

* * *

><p><span>NEXT EPISODE PREDICTION<span> (This is self-explanatory.)

I think Arthur will try to sacrifice himself. So will Merlin. But in the end, it's Lancelot who ends up sacrificing himself to save his friends and keep his promise to Guinevere. Thus we get Gwen crying over his funeral pyre. But somehow, he doesn't die, rather just gets enchanted somehow and comes back and tries to kiss Gwen, and then we see how Arthur gets into a fight with him.

And Merlin will get whumped, and I will finally have something to fling back in the face of those reviewers who reference 1.04 and claim that I'm making Merlin out too weak. Argh.

Well, I hope you cracked a smile! Please, tune in next chapter and see the answers as well as next episode's memos.

Last minute thought: I don't like Gwen's hair that way, but I like her makeup and her ability to wave torches in the faces of ghosts. Tell that ghost, Gwennie!


	2. The Darkest Hour Pt 2

**A/N: Wow, amazing response last chapter! I see everyone's excited about season 4! **

**A few things I felt I should add to last chapter: Yes, I too noticed that about the credits changing to "young man" instead of "boy"! They also changed the clips! I was freaking out, too. Yes, I realize I was being a little harsh on Lancelot. I'm sorry, Lancelot fans. I'll try not to be offensive, but I am not backing down on that one! He deserves to be pushed off a cliff whether I say so or not. Yes, I realize you are all in love with Percival. Too bad. I call him. *sticks out tongue defiantly* **

**Okay, now that **_**that's **_**out of the way:**

**Onto the story… thing.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Merlin dies. You know, LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO. Then Arthur sacrifices himself and Morgana is not an idiot about how she kills Gwen and just, you know, kills her. (Too suspicious? This is the woman who stabbed a guard with a priestess knife, and then poisoned him beneath your noses. She's not subtle.)

I'd make a much better villain than these people…

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

Visions of Gwaine/Percival are dancing in slashers' heads.

They've taken Lancelot/Merlin hints too far. Drinks over a fire? Come on, guys, please leave the slashy moments to Merthur! ("I look at you and wonder about myself." Gag me!)

Agravaine/Morgana. He nearly kissed her. Seriously.

The sound I made when Geoffrey defended Gwen to Agravaine: _"AAAYIEEEEEEEE!"_

The sound I made when Lancelot stepped through the veil: _"YES! I KNEW IT!"_ Yes, both sounds actually came from my mouth. My family asked if I was okay. Both times.

When Arthur tried to sacrifice himself and Merlin knocked him out then tried to sacrifice HIMself, who else thought that Lancelot was about to knock out Merlin (_a lá_ Dr. McCoy from "The Empath", in _Star Trek: The Original Series_, for trekkies)?

Also… I'd rather her drown in her own blood than see that day, too. I mean, I'm all for her drowning in her own blood if she wants to. Sure. Why not?

I WAS RIGHT. I was right, I was right, I was right! Called it! I said: "I think Arthur will try to sacrifice himself. So will Merlin. But in the end, it's Lancelot who ends up sacrificing himself to save his friends and keep his promise to Guinevere. Thus we get Gwen crying over his funeral pyre." AND THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED. I HAVE MUCH JOY.

Lancelot of the Lake. Water Nymphs. I'm seeing the connection.

And one last thing before I bore you: Why isn't Merlin dead? _Why?_ It's not that I _mind_, but come on. He has NO EXCUSE. Seriously. _They do not give an excuse for his being alive_. Not even "it's magic." Nothing. We are just told he's alive. And Arthur doesn't even ask how. NOT. ONCE. I am totally sickened by that. It was one of the faults I found in this episode. I want an explanation. WHY, GOSH DARN IT, WHY?

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

1, Morgana. Even if her evilness and inability to have a plan without undead creatures wasn't enough, she is pathetic when it comes to killing her once-maid. Honestly, she was unconscious! It's NOT hard to finish her! Even GWEN points it out! 2, Agravaine. He's a jerk. Nuff said. 3, actually I can't think of anyone… Can I punch Morgana twice? Oh, no, I know, that gatekeeper woman! She's obnoxious. I mean, here I thought we finally had ONE person (not Merlin… One FEMALE person) who was magic and not evil. Then she laughed like that. *sigh*

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THIS EPISODE<span>

When a creepy man asks you to meet him in his chambers that evening so you can give him "advice", go ahead and do so. Alone. He obviously has NO ulterior motives.

_and_

Gwen and Geoffrey should team up to fight crime. Think about it.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **Well, last episode I was missing you terribly, because there was rather a lack of jokes from you. But now you are back and cool as ever, though perhaps less concerned for Merlin than I would have liked. Among your best moments this week were the sock-on-fire/ "Why don't you pick on Percival?" (The answer is: he's massive and they're scared to.) and the part where you stabbed the R.O.U.S. And the bees.

However, shame on you… Not even_ one_"pheasant" reference? Really.

Here's hoping you get to do something vaguely deep soon so we don't forget you aren't just a clown.

Hey, tell Lancelot – I'm too embarrassed to admit it to him personally – that I am sad that he's dead. I know. I'm a failure: one of his most adamant haters… but yes. I am sad that he's gone. (But I don't think he'll stay gone. Shh! Don't tell Merlin! Or Harry! You should never tell Harry!)

Nice job getting knocked out just in time to miss the magic. Who are you, Arthur?

Sincerely,

Kitty O

**TWO ~ **I adored the little subplot you made… Being all cool and queenly. It made me like you a lot more. But you still need to pull up your dress. Especially if you're going to keep leaning over to assist Uther.

However, if Agravaine had strangled you, it would have been your fault. A word to the wise, which you obviously are not: Don't meet creepy middle aged guys alone in their chambers. Heck, don't meet creepy _young _guys alone in their chambers. It's like flirting with danger.

Literally.

Does it bother you that both of your love interests are currently being shipped with one of your best friends…? Who is male? It would make me feel weird!

How self-centered are you? "Oh, he didn't die for Camelot; he died for me!" You are usually a cool character that I like. But when it comes to Lancelot, you are a mean, selfish little wench!

Later,

Kitty O

**THREE ~ **You know, if instead of wasting time trash talking an old woman, you just went ahead and sacrificed yourself, or at least kept your eye on the veil, friends would be a lot less likely to throw themselves into it in a very self-sacrificial way. Take that as you will.

You know, both of you going to sleep at the same time and no one watching the fire? Not so smart. Throwing the alcohol into the fire? Genius. Running away from the flames caused by the alcohol? Pretty darn stupid. Admitting to Lancelot, the dragon, AND Arthur that you intend to sacrifice yourself and hope they go along with it?

Probably the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Well, okay, this IS the man who thought challenging a man with knives and a sword and calling him names was fine. So the stupidest thing you've done this season.

I hate to say this, and interrupt you giving away the credit as usual, but… The only thing your "old friend" ever taught you is matricide.

You got healed by (though they don't admit they are this) nymphs. Water nymphs. Obviously pals of your old girlfriend. Either way… that's pretty awesome. And the scene where you woke up had me rolling on the metaphorical ground. Or is that hypothetical ground? Whichever. I was rolling. You aren't so useless. You can catch fish with a spear. That takes skill.

I'm sorry, I have to ask. Maybe you'll know. How did they know you were dying? Just because you ran into a ghost that wanted a hug? If you weren't dead in the first place (and WHY WEREN'T YOU?) then… maybe you were just a bit in shock. Frostbite. Mild frostbite. Temporary paralysis. How did we know you were dying? Wait, am I examining this too closely?

Aren't you sorry you missed the Gaia berries? We all know how you love them giant baby rats.

**FOUR ~** It's apparent to me that they are picking one knight an episode to make newly awesome. Last episode it was Percival (which carried over to this one, of course). This episode, it was you. You comforted Arthur, you took over for him, and you told him that the knights were all behind him; you were also the first to hug Merlin when he returned.

Now, when you and Percy get a shirtless scene, then we'll KNOW that you are true knights of Camelot.

With respect,

Kitty

**FIVE ~** Were you laughing when you called Lancelot the noblest? Seriously, I think you were. You chuckled. Dude. You have a mean sense of humor. What, were you making fun of his death, or referencing Gwencelot? Sly dog.

SMH,

Kitty

**SIX ~**You are starting to awaken? You can talk? You can talk to Gwen and worry about Arthur? YES!

Get better soon! Execute someone; that always helps. You'll be better in no time! I love you!

Fannishly Yours,

Kitty O of Awesomeness, PBO, NRKOA, SFAM.

* * *

><p><span>NEXT EPISODE PREDICTION<span>

I don't even know. All I know is, it will be awesome. It will be amazing. It will be splendiferous, for it will include Alined (I think, isn't that what they say?), Arthur in an awkward and painful and yet somehow totally lovable situation, Uther waking up and doing something….

And Dragoon.

_**THE GREAT. **_

THIS WILL BE AMAZING! THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN WITH MY EYES! And if it's not… *cocks gun* I'm going after some fictional characters for ruining my fun. Who's with me?

**P.S.** I'm still feeling cheated out of Merlin and Arthur's bromance. An apology, a few seconds of worry, and an awkward moment that was almost painful because it didn't turn into a hug will not cut it for me.

This episode was awesome. It was beyond awesome. It was Be-Awesome! (Yes, I'm quoting _Bolt _now. Don't sue.)

And if I get as much of a response to this chapter as last one, it will be even better… Because I will be gobsmacked. Totally flabbergasted. I really will.

Signing off until next week—Kitty O of Awesomeness.


	3. The Wicked Day

**A/N: Adolescently is totally right… Gwen and Geoffrey are now a team, called G-Force. BAM. **

**I'm so miserable that this episode is hard for me to write about.**

**I have nothing else to say…**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

The entire episode is different, because I wasn't crazy about this episode. At his b-day party, Arthur gets drugged by the apple. Then at night he gets carried away. Odin puts him in a dungeon and prepares to execute him. Merlin tries to help him, but ends up rather busily fighting Morgana away from the kingdom. Uther gets up instead and goes to save his only son.

And it's epic.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

HOW. DARE. THEY. They killed my Uther! _THEY KILLED HIM!_ He's _my_ Uther! MINE! And I never even got a chance to hug him! How could they! Did they just write Anthony Head out? NOOOOOOOOOO! I could go on for hours and hours and hours about how mad I am. But I haven't that sort of time.

I know now why they killed Lancelot. They were buttering me up. They said to their devious little selves, "Let us kill Kitty's most hated character to make her happy. And then, when she's just getting really happy about what that means… BAM! We'll take her favorite character! Hahahhahahaha!" I hate them.

Merlin killed Arthur's dad. Well, Arthur killed Merlin's true love. I think this might be fair. Why don't we just forgive and forget, eh?

It may look like it's Morgana's fault Uther's dead. Or even like it's Merlin's. It's not. Really, it's all the fault of Odin's wife. See, she birthed Odin's son. And Odin's son challenged Arthur. And Arthur killed Odin's son. And Odin blamed Arthur for killing him. So Odin hired the killer(s). So the killers tried to kill Arthur, but Uther got in the way. And then Uther nearly died, so Arthur gets desperate. So Arthur turns to magic. So Merlin tries to help, and so Morgana tries to hinder. So Uther dies. See? It's all the fault of Odin's wife. Or maybe the fault of _her_ mother. Er. Well, maybe the fault of that random bandit back in time who didn't kill her mother's mother. Um. The point is, it's _not_ magic's fault!

Okay, it's time to officially outlaw apples about now. This repeating joke in season 4 has grown unfunny. Stop with the apples! Curse you, Snow White!

Tell me the truth. When Arthur said he couldn't watch Uther die, was I only person who immediately chimed, "Then don't look!"? I did the same thing in Queen of Hearts last season. Lol… Uther. *sob* Uther!

Arthur, Merlin, Will, Balinor, and Freya are all immune to Merlin's healing magic. But not Uther. No, he is affected by it, and has it turned it against him! No fair.

A lot of sorcerers are in the charcoal business. And that explains Morgause's eye makeup. Now we know.

Check out the way Agravaine grabbed Morgana's arm. Morvaine, as fernazab dubbed it. Pronounced More Vain, which totally fits.

Arthur lost both parents in situations stemming from his birthday. He will now hate birthdays forever.

I didn't care for the episode. I don't know why. It could be because I had so much trouble finding the episode and once I got it up, the computer spazzed on me and shut down right as Merlin "healed" Uther. Or because my favorite character is dead. Or because there wasn't enough action. Or because Arthur is a complete… Argh!

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

One, Arthur. Just Arthur. I mean. Come. On. What is with him and his "one step forward, two steps back" tendencies? It's obnoxious. I mean, Merlin lost his parent to an arrow. But he doesn't hate arrows. (Or does he?) And after I punch Arthur, I hug him all better. Poor suffering thing. Two, Morgana. She needs to die in a hole. Three, Odin. WHAT IS THE MAN'S PROBLEM?

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Just because your father is paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ all out to get you. Even circuses want to kill you. Your best bet is to kill every person who walks through the city gate that looks even slightly suspicious.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **You remember his birthday. You called the man about to split open your son a coward. You died for your son. You are amazing.

Sure, you also killed a whole group of people and drowned kids and had your best friends arrested. But I don't care. You better have gone to fictional-character heaven, because I'm pretty sure dying saving the life of _King Arthur _qualifies as good enough! It had better. Or I'll bring you back and MAKE you be good. And then get you killed again. And it could get messy.

I'm really sorry you are gone. I never even got a chance to hug you once. So in my mind, right now, I have thrown my arms around your slightly protruding middle and I am hugging you, chain mail and all. Can you feel it? That's my hug. And sorry if your chain mail gets rusted… I'm not crying… I have something in my eyes.

Incidentally, it's not funny when your son is tied up, having knives thrown at him. That scares most people.

"I've always loved you." Of course you have! You didn't mean to be a bad daddy! You meant to be a good daddy! I love you too!

Oh, wait. You weren't talking to me. WHATEVER.

Love and tears,

Kitty O.

**TWO ~ **There's something I might like to call your attention to. Your servant has the same voice as the sorcerer who saved your father. (Merlin's voice is getting rougher.) They also have the same eyes. Weird, huh? Probably a coincidence. Let's ignore it. What, now your servant is defending the sorcerer who killed your father? And now he's never seen in the same room as this sorcerer?

Coincidence.

Totally.

You're an idiot.

I am so jealous of your actor. It would be _so _much fun to act out a scene where you get tied to a spinny thing and have knives thrown at you. That would be… awesome.

Despite how much I love you, I hate you sometimes. You and your father. You are both such hypocrites. You realize you have executed people for getting desperate and turning to magic to save a loved one, but the minute you feel a bit of grief, you run right to it? You… are… you're a jerk. I'm not talking to you anymore.

Except to tell you that that scene where you held your father in your arms and weakly cried, "Guards! Someone! We need help!" just about killed me. And I believe you have now cried in just about every episode of season 4 so far. Oh, good gracious, you're turning into _Mer_lin!

Incidentally, you need to wear pants when you wander about the castle. Sorry. I think Camelot has a nudity law or something.

Yours with simmering anger,

Kitty O.

**THREE ~ **Shut up. Why don't you just shut up sometimes? Really. You sit there telling Merlin what to do all the time! It's like, "Merlin, risk your life while I sit here!" "Merlin, run around doing chores for me and for Arthur and still have time to save the world!" "Merlin, go offer your life for Arthur's yet again!"

And then suddenly, it's "Don't do it, Merlin! It's too dangerous!" "You might get killed, Merlin!" "We should just not do anything, Merlin!"

What is your problem?

Other than that, I would like to point out that for a long, long time, Uther was your closest friend. You were his advisor. You knew each other well. I know he was a jerk with the Witchfinder, but is that a reason to even now look like you barely care that Uther has died? I find myself annoyed at you.

The real reason I'm annoyed with you, however, is that I would much rather you die than the king. Mean of me? Yes. But I'd do anything for Uther.

Sorry,

Kitty O

**FOUR ~ **Wow, bet you feel guilty. It's not every man who accidentally kills his best friend's father! Last time I checked, it was you and Peter Parker who had that honor. I'm sure there's more, though. Maybe you should start a club. "Good Guys that the World Really, Really Hates".

Not that I blame you. No, you even slept outside the door where Arthur was (or tried to sleep) just to prove your loyalty. That's adorable. (And so are your ears.)

But I could have warned you that this wouldn't end well from the beginning.

But I might not have. Because then I might have missed your joyous old man smile, and that made me grin. The "I might actually be accepted for who (whom?) I am!" smile.

And then they had to go and shoot down your dreams. Because those writers are jerks, too. It's not your fault that Morgana had a strangely specific and power spell to put on charms that she just happened to learn recently. It's the writers' fault. It's also their fault that you weren't intelligent enough to check for any kind of charm on Uther that someone might have put there, since you know he has enemies in the castle.

Your life just totally stinks.

…Did I mention that I'm dumping you for Percival?

Love,

Kitty O.

* * *

><p><span>NEXT EPISODE PREDICTION<span>

The writers think it's funny to kill one character an episode, so they take out the Great Dragon (and his little egg, too!) next. Then Gwaine. Then Morgana. Etc. Etc. And one character dies an episode, until it suddenly occurs to the writers that they have almost no characters left with which to write season 5, and that they really need to rename the show, since they killed the titular character off.

So they rename it G-Force and start planning some explosion scenes.

Anyway, I don't think this chapter was really funny, but I couldn't help it. This season is just so dark, and I'm absolutely miserable that they dared to kill off my Uther. It's depressed me horribly. Really. So yeah, I tried. I don't know how I did.

Sigh…

*wanders off in depressed fashion, suddenly thinks of something and comes back.*

It may interest you to know that the people behind this show took the next step in fanservice. Forget shirtless scenes, they went and took Arthur's trousers off. Wow, next thing you know, he'll be naked. Poor objectified Mr. James.

*continues to wander off, depressed again.*


	4. Aithusa

**A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. I should reach 100 this chapter, which is kind of amazing if I do say so myself. Thanks for making that possible. **

**Okay, note that I am typing this from an uncomfortable-bordering-on-painful position on a computer that I don't usually use, and without spellcheck. So please excuse the mistakes which I shall undoubtably make. I shall endeavor to fix them as soon as I have time. And I think I spelled **_**endeavor **_**wrong. Blast you, spellchecklessness!**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Julius kills those guards, and knocks Merlin out. Merlin is left to explain why he killed the guards, which he didn't do, but who would ever believe that? He makes up an excuse about checking for metal weevils in the key, and Arthur swallows it because he's rather stupid on occasion, but we love him anyway. Then they have to go chasing after Julius, but along the way Merlin faints because the knights think it's hilarious to starve him. And in stopping to take care of Merlin (to ease their consciences, you know) Julius gets the egg. Killgharrah burns down Camelot in anger.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

I don't actually know if it's spelled Julius. It just looks right. Sounds like Julian, doesn't it? Later note, I looked it up. It's Julius.

I like this Julius fellow. I don't know why. Maybe because, unlike most baddies, he doesn't want to kill people with spite in his heart or have undead armies. He just wants to rule the world, and he's actually got a practical plan for doing it. Plus, he's got a nice face, and he only smirked once, and it was more of a seductive smirk in Camelot's general direction than an evil one.

The man with the white hair who was guarding the key is the same man who was guarding the Cup last season, wasn't he? People just love grabbing his companions and threatening them with sharp objects! But last time it was Arthur, and the companion was a little boy, which I'm still mad at Arthur over.

"I'm a changed man." My first thought: Oh, well thanks for telling us, now we know for sure that you are not a changed man.

I thought the slash was writing itself before. I was actually quite shocked at how far it could go with the writers (and Bradley and Colin) still claiming they aren't trying to make Arthur and Merlin look like a couple. This episode, I got my answer. Merlin tackling a trouserless Arthur TO THE GROUND in public. And Merlin crawling over Arthur's unconcious, shirtless body. I actually had to pause the episode to leave the room and try and recover my sanity. I am honestly speechless. (On a related note, I so hope Arthur wears underwear...)

Percival does not call Arthur "Sire" or anything like that, just "Arthur."

During that scene where they pretend not to realize Merlin hasn't eaten yet, and then give him stuff to clean, and then pull a bowl out of nowhere... I'm not sure if what they were trying to say was that actually Merlin's dinner was in there or not, but I will assume Sir Leon was actually holding his food. Because starving the most useful member of the group would be jerkish!

Injured Percival. Hmmm... Very manly and cute. And yes, I recognize the weirdness of thinking that. But come on, tell me you didn't think so too!

I'd like to say that trying to poison the knights is not cool. But it would be a lie. It was cool. And made Arthur breathe funny.

Cute!Baby!Dragon is cute and babyish.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

Merlin, slightly. He's cute and all, yeah, but he annoyed me for reasons we will get to in his drabble. That's actually about it.

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Dragons are people too!

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **As I have noted before, the powers-that-be seem to be intent on spending an episode to make each knight of the Round Table look awesome and give them a bit of personality. This episode, I suppose it was your turn. You revealed yourself to be actually a bit of a jokester when you aren't glaring down evil lying she-witches of doom (a phrase which, in case you don't know, belongs to the fanfiction writer Emachinescat and not me). I'm not sure how I feel about that. It will make it a little difficult to make you evil when I get around to writing the sequel of _Knight in Charred Armor_. But never fear! I assure you I shall find a way to make you dark, and continue in my libel of you.

I can just feel your joy.

Rock on,

Kitty O.

**TWO ~ **Actually, there is something seriously wrong with your manservant, and you have good cause to be worried. If you don't mind, would you get up off your royal rump and try and help him, rather than just look at him funny? Because I seriously think he needs it about now.

From dictionary(.)com: "Sorry: (adjective) feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: _to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble. __**Origin: **_before 900; Middle English; Old English sārig;cognate with Low German sērig,Old High German sērag._" _Thought I'd clear that up for you, love.

Before I go, start sleeping with a shirt on. There are creepers. With names that start with an M. Not to point any fingers... *cough*_Merlin_*cough* And if they are gonna be sneaking into your room, you might as well not make it easier for their/his intentions to be misconstrued. And I hope you appriciate my advice here on that, because I am SO getting mobbed by fangirls for saying it.

Your eyes look pretty in the scene where you are all wet...

Love,

Kitty O

**THREE ~ **Must you yell at Merlin so much? I mean, sure, he makes a lot of mistakes, but we all do. And he's trying. And he's got a lot on his shoulders, okay? Is this because I was so mean to you last chapter? I'm sorry, alright? I was grieving, not responsible for my words!

Also, Borden always had a tendency for dishonesty? What's your point? So does Merlin, that doesn't make him a bad person. Maybe it should make him a bad person, but he's the protagonist, so even when he does really bad stuff like what I'm currently slightly angry at him for, he's still supposed to be the good guy here.

And he's young, geez!

Not to say you weren't right...

Hey, don't you point that eyebrow at me!

Sincerely (and sorry about last chapter),

Kitty O

**FOUR ~ **To start off with, why is it that you never look as cute as you do in the scenes when you are supposed to have just woken up? You and that big shirt and the mussed up hair and everything... I'm sure you set off the maternal instinct of every woman within a fifteen mile radius, Morgana included. It's that cute.

I liked the acting at "Gaius has forbidden it..."

You are always willing to use that position as Arthur's servant to your advantage, aren't you? It amuses me how fanfiction always paints you as so sweet and being the one person who won't use Arthur. I mean, sure, you're his friend, but just give you a reason and you're willing to feed Arthur complete bull (or rat, as the case may be) while _using _away! Looks like a lot of Gaius's students have that tendency to be dishonest, eh?

Okay, now that we have that stuff out of the way, time for me to say what I'm thinking about the most right now. You are a total jerk, you know that? Again, fanfic paints you as altruistic and helpful and kind, but in my honest opinion that is hogwash. Seriously. You would do anything for your friends, I'll give you that, and if you are on someone's side, they are safe for as long as they don't try to kill Arthur. But you are ruthless towards your enemies, killing them left and right. That, though, is understandable. I mean, sure, you sort of murdered Nimueh when she didn't see it coming, but she was trying to kill you. And the same for Edwin and those sorts. But that's not what bugs me. Your indifferent attitude toward the lives of anyone not directly important to the plot is extremely disconcerting. When you warn someone about guards and they hold up a knife, declaring them no problem, what do you assume that person is going to do? Distract them with a shiny knife? Um, no, but nice try. Turns out, it looks like Julius doesn't go out of his way to kill people, and though I couldn't be 100% sure, I thought that he just knocked them out and left them there. But you had no way of knowing that Julius wasn't going to murder the people who work for your king and master and friend, the people who might be comrades of yours also, the people who might be pals with Leon or Gwen, in cold blood. I was shocked that you didn't even say, "Don't kill anyone!" No, because you are sort of a horrible human being in some ways.

In a related vein, you totally deserved to get smashed over the head a few minutes later.

Also, how did you not get caught lying sleeping by the open door? Are there no patrols? Did the guards not get up and go get someone because they were, I don't know, attacked? Lucky, you are.

I'm pretty sure Gwaine saw you throw Julius's crossbow. I don't know how they all missed it...

Though, one good thing to say about you this episode: you care about those dragons! You reminded me of a mother of a baby or a pregnant woman protecting her baby. Or even, in a slightly more masculine example, a man protecting his kids. Papa wolf style. Or one of those enviroment people getting really passionate about a tree being cut down. Take your pick. It was extremely cute and I cheered you on, even if I hated to see Julius go.

So yes, I'm slightly mad at you, but I shall get over it by next episode, since no one was killed. But I will never forget, Emyrs! And I will never forgive!

...That's not my line...

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

Since the next episode, as far as I know, will be called "His Father's Son," I have a sneaking suspicion that the guy who doesn't think Arthur has the guts to kill him will be wrong. I think that he will, in fact, kill him. And then I shall be very mad at Arthur, because that sort of behavior is only excusable in Uther! But Arthur's supposed to be better than Uther!

I also think that that Queen Annis woman will start off as someone who is harsh but not a bad person, and then, after being shown with Morgana, she will become a stock villain with no morals who laughs evilly when there is nothing to laugh at, only because she is against our main characters. And if you've noticed, almost everyone against our main characters is shown as a complete jerk who laughs evilly, despite the fact that our main characters are often the people in the wrong.

Overall, though, I think it will be a good, angsty episode that will end with us beating our heads against walls and screaming because it gets us that involved.

Who else is ready for a breather episode? There's no filler this season!


	5. His Father's Son

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Oh, and I'm typing with no spellcheck again. And I realize I called Merlin rushless last chapter (which, if you ask me, sounds like something he should discuss with his doctor). So sorry. But I want to get this out tonight!**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

What, change this episode? This was an AWESOME episode! Fine. I'll do it under protest. Okay, the king dude wasn't actually dead. Everyone just thought he was, but it was really just an elaborate trick on the part of Agravaine, Annis, and Morgana to make Arthur look like the bad guy when they wage war. When Arthur goes to speak with Annis in the middle of the night, he finds out the truth and he and Merlin kick some booty and send them on home. But sadly, that would not be as good as this actual episode.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

My first thought of the episode was "Owain...? You're dead!" Then Merlin turned around, and my only thought was "One minute in, and already my favorite EVER."

When Agravaine is giving advice, the king dude must be thinking, "Wow, Arthur's advisor gives really bad advice. He must be evil." Which is more than Merlin finds out in 5 episodes.

The king dude (who I shall continue to refer to as the king dude) was pretty beast. Like, he pretty much burned Arthur. Who deserved it.

They didn't show us even the sword fall of the king being killed, and I find that cowardly of those BBC folks, really. If they are going to make Arthur do something dumb, we deserve the chance to actually appriciate what he did. It's like they were trying to soften the blow and make us less angry at him. But think about it... Arthur demanded a man be killed, then either watched as he was murdered, unarmed, or murdered him himself. And then he was okay with himself by the end of the day, even if he may have just been trying to cover up with Merlin. And that's not a nice thing. (But he made up for it later.)

If Arthur's conscience is clear, then it needs a slap upside the head. It's obviously malformed.

When Agravaine was going off about Gwen, I said aloud: "Don't go there, Aggie." But then again, when has he ever listened to me?

Arthur's breakup speech may have been "it's not you, it's me," but I'm pretty sure that Gwen, I, and at least every woman watching (and probably quite of few of the men too) heard, "You aren't good enough for me. You're beneath me." And her response was... NOT to slap him in the face. Rather, she said that he had a good heart. I mean... he does... but... REALLY? That was my only complaint with the episode: Gwen's a doormat.

Seriously, ladies, if that's his best breakup speech, he deserves to be punched/slapped.

"If you think I'm sharing this bed with you..." and long, loving, longing looks sent toward Merlin? Well, the weekly slash quota was met, eh?

What's up with Gwaine's HAIR?

Leon is making it hard to imagine him evil. But don't worry, KiCA fans. I have a plan for how I'm going to make him still fit my version of him. But I'd like Morgause to come back for it.

Annis has her head on straight. She's a good queen. And she totally TOLD Morgana, and it was awesome.

Gwen has a sense of humor. Imagine that.

Also, something has happened to Colin's voice. It's not a bad thing, but it sounds like he's stayed in Dragoon mode. Does he have a sore throat or what?

Why aren't Morgana and Aggie going after Gwen anymore? They just forgot her? Bigger fish to fry?

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

I'd like to see even you, Steffi Hoffman, deny that Arthur deserves to be one. He made up for it, yes, but he still messed up, and wasn't too nice to Gwen, and let himself be manipulated. 2, the manipulator, Agravaine. I love Aggie, don't get me wrong, but he tried to interfere with Arwen. 3, that dude whose life Arthur spared. Simply because he's a bit weird, and totally perpetuating stereotypes that being big makes you stupid. Unless his tongue got cut out. Or maybe he's just been hit in the head so many times due to his lack of armor.

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Go ahead, break Gwen's heart. She won't even hold a grudge. So it's all good.

_and_

In Camelot, the solution to everything is to don a loose billowy cloak with a hood. It'll also make you invisible. But be aware that it will only make you invsible if you are actually doing something illegal. If not, they'll catch you.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~** Allow me to stare at you in disgust. Have you no backbone, woman? Come now! I'm not saying you need to hold a grudge. I'm all for forgiveness. But seriously, when a man makes a break up speech like that, you are fully within your rights to get angry. Perhaps yell a little.

Can you just not get angry, is that it? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is... That will impede your performance as justice serving member of the G-Force a good deal.

Please be aware that Agravaine probably made him break up with you so that he could have you to himself, because he's really that much of a creeper. Seriously. That's the kind of creepiness that can usually only be found in old men in Victoria's Secret. Just to draw a parallel.

Heigh ho, though, it all worked out in the end. And you actually made a joke. Sort of. I was beginning to think you were incapable. I was wrong. Well, good luck watching after Camelot! You have to. You're the only female left to do it.

Sincerely,

Kitty O

**TWO ~ **You were in one of my two favorite parts in this episode. Actually, you made the moment. When everyone is cheering for Arthur, and you cry, "Long live the king!" (The other favorite part was Arthur getting slapped in the face.) I find it amusing how you're so loyal... When you're really only a knight because you just stumbled onto the whole nest of them, and decided you'd like to pick a fight too. Everyone else got saved or helped by Arthur or something, but you just appeared from nowhere and decided you'd like to be a knight. Which is a cool way to be.

Hey, look, I changed my author avatar!

(I also like when you were all so eager to be Arthur's champion, especially you. It might be my third favorite part.)

Stay gold,

Kitty O

**THREE ~ **Okay, you deserved that slap to the face. And probably the kick to the ribs. And the cabbage head insult. (And this is not just the insane whumper in me speaking.)

However, since you did suffer all that, I forgive you for killing that man in cold blood. The apology helped. I know, MY forgiveness is totally what you were waiting for. Of course it was.

I knew you wouldn't kill that man at the last. I knew you had become the Arthur I know and love but want to punch in the face and stopped being an Uther-wannabe. (Seriously, you fail at being Uther. Can't pull it off. Uther would NEVER have done that without being prepared for it to cause a war.)

Seriously, though, at the beginning, why didn't you see that war coming? What did you think Annis would do? Roll over and whine in submission? Please, you're easily manipulated and near-sighted, not stupid!

Also, get your act together when it comes to breaking up! You don't tell her "it's not you" and spend the next five minutes telling her why it is, actually, her fault. You do realize how you sounded there, right? The minute you don't need her to take care of your father, and now that you're king instead of prince, well, she's not good enough? Wow. I'm seriously surprised you survived to see that battle! But hey, you got over the bad advice eventually... even if you still refuse to see that your advisor is an evil jerk just using you. (Wait, maybe you ARE a bit like Uther...)

I'm hoping I'm not the only one who caught that you called Merlin "old friend." If you ask me, that's better than just friend. Old friend implies a person who's been through a lot with you and will always be there. Which is sweet and makes me gooey inside.

But I really thought you were going to propose to Gwen right there, and was saddened when it didn't happen. I was all ready to cry and everything!

Bye, cabbage-head! (I guess that's Merlin's insult for this season. Not as good as clotpole or dollophead, but I'll take what I can get.)

Kitty O

**FOUR ~ **You want some ice with that _burn_? What now, she-witch? What now? You just got quite firmly put in your place, accused of deceiving, accused of being like the man you hate, AND told that revenge is not the answer.

I think that if I were there, I'd be dancing with joy at the way you got told.

Maybe now you'll move on with your life and stop going after a throne that you failed at the first time. You'll realize that you act like a bitter old woman and should stop before you ruin your youth.

Just kidding. You wouldn't be you if you did that. Instead you'll go be paranoid about Emrys and kidnap old friends. Fine.

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

Can it be next Saturday NOW? Please? I mean, we will get tied up Merlin (which is so, so whumpy and joyously horrible), dark!Merlin, and Dragoon IN ONE EPISODE. And I shall rejoice. I predict there will be at least one line about "I will never betray Arthur!" And in the end, of course, we'll heal Merlin. And Leon gets a part... teaching Merlin to shoot? Nice.

Well, I am pumped up! The episode summary makes the plot seem similar to my other story... Or maybe Old Merlin will come from back in time and save Merlin? In which case, it's like my OTHER story. But BBC can have my plot there if they want.

Now. If you'll please excuse me, I'm off to go watch Arthur be slapped and the next episode's promo over and over again.

I'm going to be awful busy in November, but I shall attempt to get these chapters out on time! Just a bit of warning. Also, please review and say what you thought!

Kitty O, OUT!


	6. A Servant of Two Masters

**A/N: We're almost half done with the season! NO! No! *whimpers* Say it's not so. I beg of you. This has been an awesome season, and we haven't even gotten to some spoilers yet! Like… (Spoilers here) Merlin scooting away from Morgana, her with a knife; Lancelot returning; Gwen discovering Merlin's magic (which I've heard may happen). (Spoilers end) **

**I was so totally wrong with the prediction, but it's okay. This was epic anyway!**

**Now tell the truth. Who watched this episode just to see Merlin tied to the ceiling?**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Well, I'm going to be frank here. I'm waiting for someone to post some kind of fanfiction in which before she infects Merlin with snaky-thing, Morgana tortures him. Because she's mean that way. And because I know how you fangirls' minds work. Don't deny. Embrace, people. Anyway, my own alternate episode would include Arthur discovering what Merlin was doing, Merlin getting arrested but breaking out, Gaius then paralyzing the snake thingy like he did so Merlin can think straight. And then Merlin realizes he can get executed and Arthur will be safe… OR he can say "to heck with this" and go take down Morgana, as he is. Just to see her face, I'd do that.

I'd make a _terrible_ Merlin.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

_**MAN HUG!**_

I laughed myself silly in some parts. It looks so serious, but then you get gems like Leon asking what Merlin wants a crossbow for and Merlin so cheerfully replying, "To kill Arthur!" Leon: "Driving you mad, is he?" Merlin: "Not for much longer!" And they are both so happy the entire time. Haha.

The knights were ALL amazing in this episode! And especially Percival! *squishes* Man, I want one. But Merlin was a little mean to them. Getting out pent up aggression, eh?

I like George. Matter of fact, I like him so much, I'm giving him a memo.

There was no blood. All episode long. It's not that I'm too put out, but I mean… where was the blood from Merlin's wound? From him being cut up? From Morgana being thrown to the ground multiple times?

There was so much Mergana. I was dying. Seriously. I love me some Mergana. (I'm also becoming increasingly fond of Morvaine, scary though it is, but that's not the point here.) Seriously. Now, I hate to be crude here, but I have to know if I'm the only person during the Merlin-tied-up interactions (especially with the wound-cleaning!) who was pretty much thinking "Oh, gosh, RUN, Merlin! Rape! Rape!"

Leon's making it hard to imagine him evil. I will do it, though.

Did I NOT say they would have Arthur naked next? How good am I? Very, very good. Seriously, though… Poor Gwen. How very awkward. (Just kidding, I was dying of laughter.)

It rather bugs me how Merlin is calling Merlin brave and loyal in the beginning of the episode and a drunkard later. But that's Arthur I guess. I would be irritated at my servant too, actually…

How did Arthur and Merlin manage to lose the knights in the beginning? And how did Merlin manage to get Arthur on the other side of the rock fall, but himself with the bandits… And still have Arthur on the side with the knights? That confused me. And didn't Percy already knock those rocks down in season 3?

Those old high priestesses were jerks, man! Mind controlled enemies with snakes-to-the-back-of-neck, AND they set free freezing ghosts on a special day every year? And people still say Uther was wrong to get rid of these people? (But of course, Morgana fans still say she's in the right trying to rid Camelot of a tyrant…. Who ridded Camelot of mind-controlling, death-by-icing witches. Uh-huh.)

Note to Morgana fans: You're nuts. She talks to snakes, peoples! That's not normal!

I should spend the rest of my week practicing saying "hovel" in the exact same way Morgana said it. Because that was quite awesome, and I'm pretty sure Merlin felt the chill too.

Colin and Katie must have had a blast this episode. Angel, too.

It's slightly tiring how Gaius knows EVERYTHING.

_Percival:_ YAHHHHHHH! (Awesome line.)

Oh, Gwaine makes a sort of-kind of- almost comeback. They are not tapping his coolness this season.

So what's with the long winded spells this episode? Things that usually take two words are now taking four sentences. It's impressive, but curious.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

Morgana. By the time I'm done with her….! Seriously. And then she totally played on Emyrs's sympathy! JERK MOVE! Um, that snake thing. It's not a person, but it's icky. And 3, Agravaine. Yes, only villains this week. But he tried to pin this on Gaius. GAIUS! Seriously! Because that poor man hasn't been falsely accused enough.

* * *

><p><span>MORALS OF THE EPISODE (A few this week!)<span>

Take the poison. You never know when you might need to kill someone.

A man who is all right does not pace.

If that is a sword, it does hurt.

(Not-Merlin/Dark-Merlin is quite the philosopher.)

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **You reek of competence and a lack of humor, to be frank. And I love it. It is almost enough to make me wish Merlin would have disappeared for longer so that you could reduce Arthur to a terrified, bullied piece of prince forced to laugh at brass jokes. And a pudgy one too. Ah, the joys of being a servant—you actually tell them what to do when they tell you what to do. And you do it while holding a fork like a deadly weapon. Lovely.

Sincerely,

Kitty O

**TWO ~ **To start from the beginning:

Wait. You went back to the fallen kings' place. Voluntarily. And expected no trouble. You really deserve to be whacked. WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO MERLIN? And then, oh look, it's not a secret after all. Shocker.

Wow, you actually admitted to feelings AND called Merlin brave and loyal? Without anyone on their deathbed, exactly. At that point, I started looking for the author's name at the top of the screen, because I was positive it was a fanfiction.

The line about "This is no time for jokes" when Merlin said "Leave me" was actually epically bromantic while making me laugh at the same time. Awesome. It made me happy, which is your point in life, I'm sure. So thanks.

Around halfway through the episode, or a little more, when I thought you'd used your own brain power to figure out the traitor, I was ready to hug you. And then you let yourself be convinced that, "Hey, maybe it's not the uncle I barely know, maybe's it's my old dear friend Gaius instead! My father's advisor! It might be him!" And I was ready to add you to the Slug-O-Meter. Please! It's more likely to be ELYAN, for heaven's sake. If you have Gaius interrogated, I'll kill you myself. Seriously. Leave the old man in peace.

I don't suppose it will ever occur to you to go look for Merlin in the tavern one day when Gaius claims that is where he is? No. I don't suppose it will.

With love but mostly exasperation,

Kitty O

**THREE ~ **So you can knock a guy off a horse when he's charging Arty. But if he's charging you, you can't even move out of the way? … I'm not even going to comment.

When you taunted Morgana, face all tight, about Arthur thinking you were an underachiever… Wow. That was so BAMF that it ain't even funny, home-y. _Word_. For-rizzle. (Yes, I went gansta there for a second. Ignore it.) Of course, the effect was slightly marred by the whole dying happy line, which was less rebel and more proud man dying, but whatever works for you. It was still epic. I was waiting for you to tell her, though, that she also needed to pull her dress up, because she's starting to look like Gwen.

But then you started being worried that she'd torture you or the like and then I stopped air-punching and started _awww_ing. You are so cute. And your ears, too.

I wasn't aware that dark magic creature was going to result in a total personality switch. But I'm glad it did. Because it made me laugh and laugh. And you were so subtle, too… That was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell. You couldn't have been more obvious if you said "I'm going to kill Arthur!"… Oh, wait. You DID do that. Much to my amusement.

You OOC in the show, saying the thoughts that must flit through your mind every day about Gaius and Gwen… That was amazing. Actually, this darker you reminds me of a combination of Sherlock Holmes and pretty much your average assassin. It might have been the pacing. Actually, you acted a lot like a friend of mine (who really isn't the sort of person I'd accept food from either).

See, when they first got the snake out of you, I knew it would come back. How? Well, there were eight minutes left on the show. That's always a giveaway.

Why does transforming into Dragoon suddenly create a cloud of poof-smoke? It didn't a few episodes back, did it?

You really love using your age to mock your friends. Gwaine's really going to appreciate you nearly spilling that he's a noble when he discovers who you are. And I'm sure Leon appreciates being stepped on.

_Porcus est mortuus! _

Kitty O

**FOUR ~ **Was kicking the manservant onto his back REALLY necessary? Really?

When you said, "You will do no such thing!" to Agravaine, my first thought was to finish that sentence with "…To Mordred's daddy!"

Seriously, you just call him "the boy" now? Strange. He was Merlin when he poisoned you. I guess now that you are so high and mighty in the world, you and your hovel, you don't have to really use his name. Right.

You are so bipolar! Ticked off one second, happy and scheming the next… Maybe you should take some sort of medicine for that. Gaius would have one. He does for everything.

You are rather abusive in your relationships. Poor Agravaine! And yet he's still loyal to you. More than you deserve.

You know, you almost had me feeling bad for you with the "please spare me" junk. And then you went and ruined it. You evil lying she-witch of doom, you.

It seems to me that you should have killed Merlin when you had the chance…

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

I'm guessing that dude doesn't actually know who Emyrs is, because you'd think that Gaius would just feed him some total lie. "It's Agravaine!" Seriously, if he did that, I'd love him forever. Also, who thinks Gaius is a traitor? I'll take them down with one hand behind my back! I don't even like Gaius too much, but this has gone too far! If they touch the old man, I'm going to be mad.

I was worried about whether or not Morgana was dead. But then I saw her in the previews. Which told me. Again this happens.

I'll see you people next week! Please review and tell me if I was funny or if I should go die in a hole. (But please not that just because I should doesn't mean I will.)

I may go watch more intense Mergana-whumpy scenes now… *wanders off starry eyed*

Peace, Kitty O.


	7. The Secret Sharer

**A/N: Well, that prediction was wrong. Um… awkward. I still think he should have blamed someone random, like George. George is almost cool enough to join G-Force. You could send the priest after him, and he'd just reduce the man to a quivering pile of magical boredom. And he'd do it with style. Gwaine would help. Ah, fanfiction. **

**I did not find a single fanfiction with Morgana torturing Merlin. I'm disappointed. Anyone else find one? I'd like to know it.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Gwaine decides to stop being an idiot and spend five seconds after Merlin uses obvious magic in front of him to say, "Hey, you're a sorcerer? That's totally illegal. Isn't that evil, too?" And then Merlin spends another five explaining that no, he's not evil, he's good. Gwaine accepts it and moves on.

Then, after the priest tries to swear loyalty to Merlin… Merlin gives him a 24 hour head start before he decides to send the lightning bolts, because that dude tortured Gaius and it ticked me off.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

I spent the entire episode waiting for a Gwaine magic reveal… and… No. Actually, that's a lie. I spent the entire episode thinking that I doubted it would be a Gwaine magic reveal but that if it wasn't, I would complain about it anyway.

I'm happy with this episode anyway. Partly because I actually found the link on Megavideo, and I can hardly ever find those anymore. I like Megavideo.

Okay, every single time she mentioned the group that priest belonged to, I thought she said he was Catholic. Seriously. It provided me great amusement, to be frank, because he did have an altar and candles. No white square, though. I've also never met a Catholic priest that tortured old men with magic fire. Which, if you think about it, is a very good thing. So, yes, I will refer to him as the Catholic for the rest of this, chances are.

I noticed this week that Arthur has nice collarbones. You see, this is what happens when you have a mail character strip to much. Girls like me get so used to it we start looking at the COLLARBONES for something new.

The Catholic's home looked like the inside of a genie's bottle. I liked it muchly. Seriously, I want to live there!

I half hoped Gaius would get arrested just so I could see Merlin punch Arthur in the face.

How in the world did Aggie get from Camelot to tell Arthur Gaius was gone to where Gaius was being held AS the kidnappers arrived, and then back to Camelot in order to catch Merlin sneaking into his room?

When did Merlin get a black neckerchief? I like it. It's edgy. (And slightly emo… emo Merlin… Jethro…)

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

1, Mr. Catholic. I don't give a darn if he's been hunted. He hurt Gaius after I specifically warned him not to. Saving Merlin doesn't make it better. 2, Morgana. Because Gaius never did anything to her either. And she must have mentioned how very painful Merlin's death would be like ten times. She should have just killed him. She's so silly sometimes. 3, Gwaine. I WANTED HIM TO SEE THE MAGIC!

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER (Suggested by linka53. It's basically the character who acted my favorite this episode).<span>

Gaius. Because his cry of "No!" when he was about to betray Merlin tore my heart right out. And because he's a nice old man. Merlin's a close second.

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

If you tell the person who has you that you aren't afraid of dying, they won't kill you. They'll do something you're actually afraid of. Like torture you. So _don't tell_ the enemy if you aren't afraid of dying!

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **Really, you insist on working with the guy who strokes your face while you are out? Seriously? Because you could have had Merlin. But whatever. The creeping is love. I got it. (You weirdo.)

No, actually, Emrys does NOT know everything. What makes you think he knows all your plans? You get this paranoid streak from Uther, girl. And the need to hurt Gaius. It's probably genetic.

I feel a little bad for you. No one's scared of dying. I know, it's strange, but they've all got a hero complex. Which rather forces you to go to great lengths to scare anyone. It would help if you wore more modest clothing and didn't talk candy-coated.

Your expression upon seeing the returned bracelet: "Nobody likes me."

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**TWO ~** Duh Gaius lied about the Emrys thing. You are a scary middle aged creeper in all black. Why in the world would he tell you where Emrys is?

You know, while liking you for being kind of awesome, I totally hate you. I mean, really. Because Gaius hasn't gone through enough, you're going to do this to Merlin and Arthur and Gaius. You have some nerve.

Also, please don't creep on Merlin. I mean, with the whole calling him to your room at night. The knife actually didn't help much. I mean, you're one of the few characters I've yet to see in a slash pairing. If you ruin that…

The way you cried, "The lies!" was not QUITE as good as Morgana saying "*hovel*", but it was close.

Check behind your screen before you start stripping. THAT would have been awkward…

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**THREE ~** Why is it then when you have a knock at your door first thing in the morning, you always tell them to enter while you are still only half-dressed? Isn't the idea of them knocking that they don't walk in on you naked or something? (And considering you spend half of your screen time taking off clothes or putting them back on, no wonder they need to.) So why not put your shirt on and then tell them to enter? I mean, sure, you might make the day of that random maidservant who enters, but it sure would make thing less awkward if you kept your clothes _on_ your body. And I'm risking the rage of fangirls to inform you of this. But then, I have the feeling we've already HAD this talk.

"Let him run." And this is why I love you. Sure, perhaps I would have found it preferable if you never doubted Gaius at all. But I can't tell myself that in your position I wouldn't doubt Gaius; I might. It looked bad. I think your decision not to try to get revenge showed a lot of honor… And someone who doesn't immediately seek someone to blame when hurt. Just because he hurt you, I felt like it said, didn't mean you would try to hurt him back. I may be getting too deep on you. But I love you for it.

…So, you're insistence that Merlin was trippin' and Agravaine wasn't bad didn't remind you of anything? At all? It reminded me of a certain instance with a certain woman who wasn't a woman and words like, "Dude, my stepmom is TOTALLY NOT a troll."

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**FOUR ~** Frankly, around the part where Agravaine said, "No one is to get offended like this," that would be the part where I started getting offended. Gaius, you have seniority. You are a freedman of Camelot. Camelot could not RUN without you. And yet you still take all this from Aggie and Arty? You should quit. Yeah, now I'm angry. I may not care one way or the other about you most of the time, but you are part of this team, and they had better respect that. Besides, you are an old man. And old men deserve to be treated with respect. They're elders. I'm so on the warpath now.

That being said, you really shouldn't lie under oath. It's not very showing of integrity, even if the situation is good.

Oh, you talked! Don't worry, we don't blame you. Well, _I_ don't. Though I still think you should have said it was George. Anyway, it's all going to work out. At least you also added what a great guy Merlin would be in the future, too. You just saved his life.

_Morgana_ got nothing from you. Well, that's one way around telling the truth to Arthur. Poor man is being fed so many lies, no matter he is confused. But seriously. You tell Arthur about what that old sorcerer who killed his daddy really had in mind! BAM!

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**FIVE ~** You know when the obviously evil man asks you to do mysterious errands at night, you probably shouldn't do them? Because… you know. It's probably for an evil end. Weird, I know.

I love your innocent smile when Arthur wakes up to the warning bells and you standing there. Like, "I swear I'm innocent of whatever offense caused those ridiculously quick bells to be rung."

He would not leave without saying goodbye to you. He wouldn't. The way you said it totally killed me, man. And your eyes… I felt so sorry for you. And then Arthur said the line about having his heart broken, and I think my maternal instinct broke. Overload. Thanks for that. I'm sending you the doctor's bill.

Really, now you're buddy buddy with the guy who broke Gaius? My reaction would be a little more like, "Yo, dude, I don't care about your sob story. You tortured my father figure." But whatever. Just because you blew up Nimueh for less…

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**SIX ~ **Ah, you have come out of the woodwork in order to care about Merlin again. Good for you. However, not enough out to see Merlin use obvious magic. Or to NOT believe Agravaine when he feeds you absolutely ridiculous lies.

I mean, really. He got the knife out to check for breathing. You believe this.

I think I give up.

Sincerely, Kitty O.

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

The knights of Camelot get a bit protective of this girl. And this girl is also evil. But they don't know that. And start fighting among themselves. And she gets held in Percival's arms. And I will NOT swoon. WILL. NOT.

If I do, catch me.

I'll try to update on time tomorrow! Hey, by the way, if you want to, check on my ficlet story "Merlin: How it Should Have Ended". What? What shameless advertising? I have no idea what you're talking about. None at all…


	8. Lamia

**A/N: Excuse any lack of coherent thought that may occur in the following chapter. I'm currently on a Percival high. Oh, Tom Hopper, you amazing bundle of acting, you! I take my hat off to you!**

**Alright. So once you finish reading this chapter, I suggest you review and then go right off to prepare your weapons for the Ship War which is about to occur. If you're a Merthur shipper: sorry, you have no chance of winning this. Gwencelot shippers: You know you're gonna lose in the end, right? I mean, come on—he's wearing all black. That's not Lancelot! And Arwen shippers: Brothers (and sisters)! Come to arms! We've got a war to win, and we're being surrounded!**

**People who ship Gwaine with people, I think you're safe.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Aggie gets hit in the head with a tree branch.

The first words out of Percival's mouth when he wakes up are, "Where's Lamia? Oh, gosh…." *pause as it hits him* "I… may need to go apologize to Merlin. Like now." Or something akin to it.

Other than that, no complaints and no changes. Mostly.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

I didn't get this link on Megavideo. I would say that I got it off YouTube, but that would imply that someone manages to post it on YouTube without it getting taken off. So I definitely didn't get it off of YouTube.

John's the elder of the village? He's like, forty! I know people didn't live as long back then, but seriously.

You may try to tell me this episode was filler. (Everyone is ALWAYS complaining about filler, so I assume you will try to tell me that.) However, it was very pointed filler. Why is that? Well, this gave like half the knights a chance to get kissed. (Poor Gwaine, no one really wants to kiss you. Weird.) And after all the action Gwen and Arthur get, I'm sure they needed that.

Gwaine kind of needs to stop before his "call of nature" becomes a meme. I don't know if his coolness could survive more decay.

There were actually a few subtle funny moments in this serious. Check out Percival's face when Lamia screams the first time. It was hilarious. And Merlin's face when his face went into a rotting skeleton. *grossed out nervous giggle* And the fact that Merlin was eating an apple, like everyone is eating these days.

If I had to pick one of them to be afraid of, I'd be afraid of Merlin. Because one, everyone he likes tends to die. And two, he's the most dangerous. Don't give me that about Arthur being trained to kill since birth. Merlin blows up women on a weekly/monthly basis. He's HARSH.

Why is Percival the first to get mind controlled/have a crush on her? I have a few theories. He touched her first, which could be it. Or maybe he was just because he's the most vulnerable because he was the most worried about her. You know, like he was the really chivalrous one here. I don't know.

This episode was soaking in girl power. Heehee… I know it's mean that I love the monsters that only attack men, but I do. It's amusing to have the women like, "What the HECK is wrong with you?"

I like the way the monster woman rolls her head around all the time. It's cool… But strangely and alarmingly similar to Freya.

Note to Arthur: "She's just one girl!"? Really? Like Morgause was just one girl? One girl can cause plenty of damage if you give her a weapon and no conscience. Like that Bonanza episode when someone got murdered (stabbed) and the main character said, "I don't think any woman could have done it." I was like, why not? It's not hard. (Also, a woman did it.)

I officially hate those high priestesses. They made this girl, too? For serious?

Why is Leon meaner than the rest? I thought about it. I think because he's bossier than the rest by nature, because he's louder than Percival, less Merlin's friend than Gwaine, and more awake than Elyan.

(Gwaine nearly died collecting firewood. Jussayin.)

Anyone else realize how very bad that place they were in must smell? Think about it. With all those dead bodies. Why aren't they retching?

Leon likes his big NOOOOs, yeah?

I'd also like to say that Arthur was saved by Morgana in episode 2. Would he rather be dead? … Knowing Arthur, probably.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

Leon. Oh, gosh, Leon. I realize he wasn't in his right mind, but he was so AGGRESSIVE. Elyan wasn't that bad. (Yeah, yeah, he was dying… Details.) Leon's SOOO bossy when you let him be! 2, Agravaine. He's in the episode for like 2 minutes and he still must try to sabotage everything. Why can't I jump in there and hit him? 3, Arthur. Because he couldn't come in five seconds later, _after_ Gwen knew about the magic?

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

I hate to look like I'm just siding with the protagonist and say Merlin, but Merlin. Did you see his face when Gwaine was mean to him? *Saaaad*

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Be female. If you can't manage that, you're pretty much in trouble. So just have chainmail with the sleeves ripped off instead.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS <span>

**ONE ~** I really have to complain about all the cleavage. Seriously. Why? Don't you know less is more? It's getting obnoxious.

Way to be BAMF. You were pretty awesome this whole episode, actually—first caring, then using your brain, then protective of your brother and finally of Merlin. And you did it all without trying to be macho. And then you reverted right back to the feminine caring person of Camelot. No complaints whatsoever. Way to live up to your place in the G-Force. I'm sure Geoffrey just saving Camelot offstage. He's probably ruling while Arthur leaves the place with no management yet again.

Except… You were so close to seeing Merlin use magic! SO CLOSE! I actually thought BBC would give me a break for once. I know, I'm stupid.

Sincerely, Kitty O

**TWO ~** *repressing giggles* Your face on "he can't find his own backside!" might be one of my favorites I've seen you make. You were pretty great this episode, with moments like you saying: "Sure, I can save everyone with nothing but willpower and a neckerchief and cool glowing eyes, but diagnose something? That's like… malpractice!"

You in Doctor!mode was pretty cool, but really, you know your healing magic completely stinks, right? So there wasn't even any point in trying that. I've only ever seen that work on the knights when Borden poisoned them.

You brought the apple back! Good. I like the apple. I know that's weird, but I find the way you all eat apples during tense scenes pretty funny.

Kitty O

**THREE ~** "His name… is Merlin." Well. Not your line, but it still managed to make the entire series a little better.

I really think what you are best at is saving people's lives. You don't start fights. You just jump in halfway through them and save your friends. Percival in the first episode, and now Gwaine. It's actually really awesome. Don't worry—even if you are a bit underappreciated, I like you a lot. (Right after Percy!)

Be careful how you talk to your sister, even when your enchanted. When she goes into BAMF mode, you need to be scared.

Of course you're the first one to get kissed. I think it runs in your family.

Kitty O

**FOUR ~** I'm going to sit here and bask in the fact that you managed to take out like five bandits without using your sword. You are just ridiculously awesome. You knocked down a bandit with another bandit. You took another down with a blow to the stomach. And you were still uninjured and the first to reach the hurt woman.

Okay, I realize you're fictional, but WHY can't we get married?

But seriously, when Merlin used magic in the fight scene right after you turned around and looked at him… You saw that, right? You were looking at him. And Gwen was right behind him. So you both saw that. Right? RIGHT?

I know I said I wouldn't swoon, but when you told her "You're safe now," I may have. Maybe. But you won't ever know if I did for sure. *eyebrow twitch*

I suppose I should have been angry at you when you pushed Merlin into a wall and threatened him. But you were being controlled. And besides, all I could think was "They're so handsome… That's such good lighting… I really like the way they did that how it reflected their eyes… Wait, are we threatening each other now? Hm. He's standing awful close to Merlin. My gosh, I hope slashers don't pick up on that…"

Kitty O

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

"Do you think he means to hurt Arthur?" Yes. Yes I do. He's wearing all black. He's obviously evil.

I think Lancelot might be brought back by the power of the water people. Why? He's Lancelot du Lac. And because I noticed that in the end of 4.02, when his cloak is burning… Those aren't flames rippling over his sword. That's the blue stuff that healed Merlin. Yes, I noticed that all by myself. No one else pointed it out… I promise.

I also think this will end with an Arwen marriage. I'm sorry people, but this is Arthurian legend. Bit of a spoiler… ARTHUR AND GWEN HAVE TO GET MARRIED. I'm not even sure why the rest of you try, if it won't happen. *Desperately tries to hide all signs of her Mergana-shipping.* What? Don't look at me.

But, most importantly… SHHHHHIIIIIIP WAAAAAAAR! I'll take you with one hand behind my back! I'll take you both together!

**ARE YOU READY TO_ RRRRUUUUUUMBLE_? **


	9. Lancelot du Lac

**A/N: Then forgive me because I must be stupid; WHAT WERE YOU DOING?**

**It's called "kissing," Arthur. Ah. I loved that line more than I could ever explain. Especially he finishes up by letting go and saying "…Sorry." I'm a little upset that my guess was wrong. I wonder what the point was of the blue stuff if they won't use it?**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Gwen rips off the bracelet and throws it. Merlin, later, realizes that there is no way that Gwen would betray Arthur and checks for enchantments. In the cell, he finds the bracelet/ He looks it up and brings it to Arthur. Arthur realizes the truth and slaps his forehead. Gwen can stay, and Shady!Lancelot dies. Because I like him better dead. That being said, he was so non-sappy in this ep… I want an Intense!Lancelot, honestly.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

Ahem. So maybe the Merthur shippers did win. Actually, that was sort of a stalemate between the Arwens and the Gwencelots. Nothing happened. Actually, I think the Lancelot/Merlin shippers won. Stupid show writers!

No worries. SHE WILL BE BACK! MARK MY WORDS! SHE WILL RETURN! SHE MUST BE QUEEN, DANG HER!

Morgana and Agravaine are jerks. I hope they die.

I think their plan was actually a good one this week. Bring back the dead. Enchant the living. Having Lancelot stab her would have worked, too, really, though…. I mean, if we're going for a permanent solution death is better than banishment, because Arthur is notorious for his inability to keep up banishments. Gwaine, Lancelot, Gwen…

Oh, so _that's_ how we got Freya in the finale last season…

That one took Merlin too long to figure out. Percival SAID it. "It's all for Gwen." If Merlin had put it together, this could have been solved!

How is Merlin putting someone in a boat and burning them with magic a "proper burial"? Is that how they dispose of all their dead?

What was that at the end? I like to think that he was setting Lancelot free of Morgana's spell. Which woke him up, and then since he was dead, it killed him again.

There's an awkward letter to write. "Dear Shady Lancelot, Hi! Really good job so far! You are carrying out our plans brilliantly! Now, please kill yourself. Thanks! Bye bye, Morgana. XOXO."

I liked seeing Merlin be wrong about Arthur's feelings for once.

I did have to pause right before the fight to soak up the awesomeness that is Lancelot's eyes, Arthur's roar, and Merlin's face. It killed me. Ah, Gwen. Surrounded by such awesome men—no wonder you can't make up your mind.

Morgana's a lot nicer to people when they aren't her enemy. She throws around a lot of "I come in peace" and soothing words to Lancelots in need. It's creepy.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER <span>

One, Morgana. Dang her. And Agravaine. Double dang him. Three, Merlin. Man, Merlin! I mean… He SAW what was going on. Why didn't he do something earlier? Is it to much to ask they once say, "Oh, look, Lancelot is a Shade. We should inform our king and sovereign at once!"? Because then, once magic is involved, Arthur would look at it more closely and spot a little bracelet, hm? Why does Merlin only listen to Gaius when he might be wrong?

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

Prepare to be surprised. Shady!Lancelot. Don't get me wrong. I hate Lancelot. But it must be horrible to be dragged from a perfectly comfortable death and told to bring about the destruction of people you don't even remember but who are perfectly lovely to you. Also, Arthur. Poor guy just wanted to get married the next day. Then the woman he loved had to go rip his heart out and THEN think he might be able to trust her again. Sure, it was an enchantment. But Arthur doesn't know!

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

It's _perfectly_ honorable to kill yourself after wrecking the king's marriage. The king himself said so.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **Thanks for adding "If she says yes" after announcing your intentions, because, to be honest, I was thinking that sounded a little arrogant. Nice lines this episode… I really liked "too much stubble to be my wife" and "is that a yes?" and other such lines. And then I must say I am with you. If you can't trust someone, don't marry them. I'm sure that's been the ruination of more than one relationship.

That being said, you really should trust her. It's not her fault. It's Morgana! If you won't swallow that, then she's been possessed by a goblin!

Don't hit unarmed men, by the way. Especially if they're unarmed because you took their sword. It's mean.

I loved your facial expressions this week :)

When you said "Forgive me because I must be really stupid" you sounded like the old you. Not the sad angsty you of Season 4. The slightly more ridiculous but oh-so-lovable you of 1-3. I missed you. *hugs*

Love, Kitty.

**TWO ~ **When people cover my eyes and put a blindfold on me, I don't just smile. You're lucky it really was Arthur. Be kind of funny if it wasn't, though…

Yes, always remember to accept the proposal first!

You smirked when you entered that tent to wish Lancelot well. Barely, but it was there… That satisfied half-smile. It must be a reaction to magic or something; everyone does that.

You know, I realize you're upset, but after what you did you really can't use lines like "I still want to be your queen." I'm afraid it's a bit late to ask for that. Forgiveness is cool, but freedom from punishment? Yeah. That's not likely to happen at this point. Nice try, though.

Sincerely, Kitty

**THREE ~ **I swear I will hunt you down and stab you with a spork.

What is your _problem_?

Everything you did wrong this episode would take a lifetime to list, but let's just say your existence begins to annoy me. Like, stop scaring Morgana. You're gonna get stabbed. (Wait, on second thought, _don't_ stop.) Stop smiling like that! Don't wake up a sleeping Arthur! STOP SMILING LIKE THAT!

"Adultery in noble families was punishable by death." Did you really just go there?

"He must die but… painfully." ARE YOU EVEN TAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY ANYMORE? I fell over, laughed, and clapped. Just stop. Stop.

You horrible person. How do you sleep at night? "With Morgana" is not an acceptable answer, so don't even try.

With hatred, Kitty.

**FOUR ~ **I'm assuming it was awkward standing four feet away half-submerged in water by a hot dude who is presumably naked that you haven't seen in years. I'm assuming it was more awkward getting him out of the water.

Shame you don't know Merlin has magic. It would have made the plan go smoother. Of course, it went pretty smooth anyway. Merlin's stupid. Whatever.

I've given up hating you. I have no more strength.

Later, Kitty.

**FIVE ~ **No! Don't "give him time"! KILL HIM NOW! The real Lancelot would want you to! Please! Explain to Arthur later, but PLEASE!

I read a story where you used necromancy. It was a dark!you story, though, so it's okay.

I totally saw your tip-off coming though. I am so cool, I know. *Smile*

Well. Shame you were so useless this episode.

With slight annoyance, Kitty.

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

Something about Gwen's family. It's something about Gwen's family.

…It's cuz they're black, isn't it?

Anyway, I think that it will be what it looks like. Elyan messes up what shouldn't be messed up. Drowned boy who looks like Uther's victims haunts him. Arthur nearly gets killed. And then we get some dark!Elyan.

But I bet that, because this show tends to forget that Elyan and Gwen are actually related, not one person says, "Maybe it's because we threw his sister out of Camelot…"

Btw, I hate this show sometimes. All these horrible endings. This all had better get better! I want a happy finale! Or at least the reveal!


	10. A Herald of the New Age

**A/N: Wow. So they surprised me… This entire episode was about everyone thinking that Elyan was upset about Gwen! I do hate being wrong, but I loved hearing everyone insist that he was upset about Gwen (when really, he couldn't care less, oddly). So I forgive the show for proving me wrong. **

**So sorry about being late. Usually I wouldn't make excuses, but this applies to _Merlin_: I was actually under false pretenses and ended up watching _Hugo. _I wasn't too happy about it at first. But then I saw the main character's face and spent the rest of the movie squealing, "OH MY GOSH, MORDRED'S SO CUTE, I'M TAKING HIM HOME WITH ME AND I DON'T EVEN CARE IF THAT'S WEIRD!" Seriously. Asa Butterfield needed a hug SO bad. I was seriously excited to see him in a movie, too, and then I got to see what he's been doing since the whole "never forgiving" incident.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

When Agravaine says that Elyan needs to die, Merlin says, "Don't tell me… painfully?" And then, when everyone is looking odd at him for saying something like that, Merlin throws something at Agravaine's head and says, "Look, you evil old coot, just shut up until you actually have some evil goal to get across, okay?" I know that would be stupid of him and OOC, but it would be glorious, so I don't even care.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

The knights are so mean to each other. Men. They're like that. But it's okay, because it's all in good fun and because Percival called them all ignorant fools. Ignorant fools. Such a great insult, and better because Percival said it.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Percival? Oh, only as often as I've mentioned I love Uther? Okay, then.

At the beginning, I was like, "Don't tell me. Uther killed him." But then, actually, ARTHUR killed him! And I was like, "Whew! Uther's reputation: saved again!" It gets annoying when it's always Uther's fault.

Question: Is it just me, or has Arthur made or come to grips with more mistakes since he's become king than he has in the past two or three seasons?

So… Elyan sleeps in Morgana's old chambers? Looks like it.

"Why have you got stew in your hair?" "Well, because he was reading!" I don't think those lines need any further explanation from me as to why they rock.

Elyan is very easily knocked out. As is Merlin. Sure, I've never been punched full-on in the face, but I don't think it's supposed to render you immediately unconscious. Because I have been knocked unconscious. Maybe someone who's been punched can tell me better. I'm not sure Gwaine's punch was called for, though. Percy's was amazing…

Waaaait. So… Gwaine has a sister? Oooh. Fanfiction, get on that. And pair her with George. Please, someone, I want a Gwaine's sister/George and I want to be informed of its existence. Thank you kindly.

"Elyan must be worried about Gwen!" /"I think he's been upset about Gwen." /"What would you do if your sister had been banished from Camelot?" How awkward is it when Elyan just doesn't care about Gwen? He'd rather comfort a ghost. Honestly.

When Elyan escaped, all I could think was, "So… if he kills himself, will he be honorable too?"

And about in the middle Arthur must have been wondering why everyone who claims to be loyal to him seems to want to destroy him all the time.

…I love those bells. I love them. They are so ridiculously quick. Who runs that thing? It's like magic.

Okay, please tell me I was not the only one seriously impressed by Elyan with water dripping everywhere? It was like, the coolest shot this season... Fighting while covered in water. With Bradley James's facial expression as icing.

Raise your hand if you hate Gaius sometimes. Really? His suggestion is to kill Elyan, when all it takes is an apology to the spirit? Wow.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER <span>

I'm… not intensely angry with anyone this episode! How weird is that? I was a little annoyed with Arthur for being nasty to Merlin, and a little annoyed with Merlin for not seeing it coming when Elyan hit him. But not enough for a punch. Maybe a gentle push for each of them.

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

That Druid boy needs a hug… and then a talking-to. Please, once you're dead, stay dead! Haunting is mean. Also, I'll give Elyan a hug. He got punched in the face… twice.

* * *

><p><span>BEST QUOTE OF THE EPISODE<span>

Percival: "Why don't we all just put our weapons down, and sort this out like friends?" *five seconds later* *Punches Elyan out.*

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Sure. Go ahead and hug the ghost to warm him up. Because ghosts aren't _supposed_ to be cold or anything.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **You just know almost everything, don't you? Must be a side effect of living with Gaius. I think I should move in and begin to absorb that whole knowing-everything-thing, so next time that I come across a shrine that shouldn't be disturbed, I'll know.

"For once I'm not lying to you." Hm. The sad world you live in when you have to tell people that before they believe you.

You explaining the joke about the table was priceless… But not as priceless as his face in response to it. Heehee…

It's always great when you rant, but all your angst and anger aside, isn't it awesome when Arthur actually thinks you may be right and tells Agravaine so TO HIS FACE? I cheered.

Why are you the only person in Camelot to ever look back over your shoulder and see skulking figures? If it had been anyone but you walking by, Arthur would have snuck out of Camelot, no problem.

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**TWO ~** I would like to thank you for not being stupid enough to stick around just to spite Merlin and his warnings. And not listening to Aggie right away. It's like… a miracle or something.

Hey, you quoted _Ever After_! Don't you deny it. I heard it. Choose his words carefully, for "they may be your last"? Yeah. That was very nice. But don't threaten Merlin. It's mean.

I was glad to see you finally face some of the things you did while trying to get Daddy's approval, because this wasn't the only Druid encampment you've ever stormed. You've killed plenty of innocent people, so a bit of sorrow was good. Hold onto that, please. And then your panic and tears because of your shame and the fact that you thought you were going to die… I love you sometimes.

…And then you had to go be a jerk to Merlin again. Careful what you tackle him into, you might break him. Also, someone might walk in… And good luck explaining that!

Sincerely, Kitty O.

**THREE ~** Dude! You have got to be kidding me! WHO DRINKS AT THE SHRINE OF A DEAD PERSON? I get it; your friends stole your water. But honestly. I'm not superstitious, but I'm not stupid either.

Don't you just love your friends? You can be all *attacking Merlin mercilessly and glaring like he ran over your dog*, and they're like, "Lol, nothing's wrong, he's just having fun, giving Merlin some bruises!" Sadistic, man.

Seriously, don't hug ghost. The last unnatural thing you hugged/let hug you kissed you, and we all know where that one ended up…

Way to be smarter than Morgana, though. Maybe she needs a spirit to tell her when not to take drinks from Merlin.

Sincerely, Kitty O.

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

Well, for starters, Gwen is going to wear a shiny purple dress that looks pretty inappropriate. Just where has she been since she left? Also, Morgana will be a jerk. Arthur will be in danger and falling in love. Merlin will scoff at the lot of them because they're stupid. Merlin and Gwen will save the day, and if GWEN DOESN'T COME BACK FOR GOOD _SOMEBODY IS GETTING A TONGUE-LASHING._

I think that's it.

* * *

><p><span>AFTERNOTE<span>

I'm really curious about who everyone's favorite character is. I know mine is Uther. I know a few others, but I'm just curious. If you review, would you mind tagging the name of your favorite character on there? And if it's someone unusual, maybe say why?

Thanks!


	11. The Hunter's Heart

**A/N: Now, I can't wait for next week. I want things to fall apart. I want it to collapse around Arthur's EARS. I want all the wrath of a Merlin and Gwen scorned to come slamming into King Arthur Pendragon in a fiery inferno of doom. **

**And I want it to happen now.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Arthur: *Holds up scroll thinking he's cool like, look, you idiot*  
>Merlin: Dude, Morgana could have made a COPY. She's a WITCH. That proves absolutely nothing.<p>

Arthur: Gosh, Merlin, when have you ever been right?

Merlin: Look, we'll agree to disagree for now. But when Agravaine's a traitor, permission to say I TOLD YOU SO? And a raise in my wages? And a new neckerchief?

Arthur: Since it will never happen… Sure.

Agravaine: *walks up* What did I miss?

Merlin: Morgana making kissy faces with a big black dude who's like ten years younger than you. You better hope she likes you better than him, because she's killing someone within two episodes. It's like Morgause/Cenred, but with more revealing clothes.

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUHTS ON EPISODE<span>

Quite a few of you told me Arthur's your favorite character. How nice. Well, Arthur fans, hold me back, because if you don't, I'm going to murder him. I want to throw that stupid pointed crown at his HEAD. HE HAS NERVE. He threatened Merlin with exile TWICE in one hour for giving advice. And then asked for his advice. AND THEN, instead of taking that as a kindness that Merlin didn't kill him then and there, he has the nerve to taunt Merlin.

AND HE THINKS THAT BIT OF HUMILITY IN THE END OF THE EPISODE MAKES IT OKAY. IT DOESN'T. IT DOESN'T, ARTHUR PENDRAGON. IT WASN'T EVEN POINTED AT MERLIN, IMBECILE! YOU ARE GOING DOOOOOOWN. I'm seriously so angry at him I'm shaking.

Merlin puts up with some… stuff. But I do not even want to cuddle him for it anymore. I want to smack him. Why doesn't he quit? I want to see Arthur train crash. I want to. I want him to come crying back on his knees. Why does Merlin let him get away with it? Does he enjoy being abused? This is so unhealthy.

If there is no _I told you so_ next episode, I may boycott this series.

Am I the only one who would have told Helios my life story and then sat there and smiled at Morgana when she came in? (Since, as Gwen, I wouldn't have known she wanted to kill me.) Why? Because I'm feeling for all women scorned who act like total witches (if you know what I'm getting at) right now.

Mithian. I tried to hate her. I thought mean thoughts at her. I tried to make her hate babies or dogs or servants or something. But no. She was as sweet as could be, pretty too, and kind to Merlin… She even asked Arthur not to be mean to Merlin, which is more than Gwen ever did. She forgave him for breaking her heart. Why didn't she have the decency to be hateable?

Okay, since I wrote the beginning of this chapter, I have read some stuff praising the Arthur of this episode for the way he handled his Gwen feelings. He chose to give it all up for a woman who hurt him. However, I'm not biting the bait; I don't care what type of heartbreak he's going through now. This isn't about Gwen. It's about Merlin.

When Mithian shows up, I was like: LEON! GWAINE! STOP SMILING! Don't they know this is Gwen's replacement?

She will be back. Arthur and Merlin as good as said it. She will be back. Huzzah!

This series is so literally dark. All these shots of people in shadow really make positioning a computer screen hard, otherwise I wouldn't have noticed.

How did Gaius manage to forget the fact that the body couldn't have been thrown, due to the wholeness of everything but neck and stab wound? Unless he was dead before or as he hit the ground, there would be bruising and bleeding. I guess the neck could explain that, but why is his head at the normal angle, then?

I was furious when they didn't point out that the boy could have been the traitor. They've completely abandoned that plot line with the traitor still at large, after Gaius was cleared.

Poor Mithian! She needs a man now. I'll give her Percival. (I can still have him outside of the episodes, then. I won't give her Leon because of Moron, or Elyan because I'm ticked at him for not sticking up for Gwen, or Lancelot because I hate him and she deserves better.)

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

Arthur. Arthurarthurarthurarthur. Let me kill him. I will kill him. I am so angry at him I cannot FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also, Morgana. The doe trick was so low. And Agravaine. He smirked at Merlin. Why don't they just straight up say they hate each other?

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

Gwen and Mithian. Gwen, because she didn't do a thing and her life is going downhill. Mithian, because how much does it stink to be told "hey, you're cute and all, but I was just leading you on because I actually love some little nobody"? As a princess, that must be hard to take. As a woman, that must hurt like HECK.

* * *

><p><span>BEST QUOTE OF THE EPISODE<span>

"Smile and clap." Because that's how Gaius gets through life, isn't it? I saw someone point it out somewhere and they are totally right—that's what Gaius DOES. His life falls apart and he smiles and claps and pretends he's cool with it. As opposed to Merlin, who tells his king how it is. And if not for Merlin, Arthur would be a poorer king. Do you see what I'm getting at? I think it's Gaius's fault that Uther could be a poor king sometimes. Not entirely (it was partly Uther's fault), but partly. Uther had no advice that wouldn't shut up.

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Showing up boys while hunting is a sure way to impress them. They won't get their male egos hurt or anything!

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~** There is no more pleasure to be had here! None at all! So don't touch her. Because if you touch her, you die. K?

You should start caring more where people come from. Because your past has a huge impact on whom you are. Stupid.

Sincerely, Kitty O

**TWO ~** Why didn't you say it again? Say it again. See if he really has the guts to banish you, because I don't think he does. Stupid, stupid PRAT!

Your face at "except you still love her". I wanted to hug you closely for your skills as a person.

You could smile and clap. Or, you could have pushed Mithian off of a parapet. Sure, she's nice, but I think some sacrifices must be made for the Arwen ship. She did shoot Gwen.

You took the fact that your best friend got turned into a deer very well. And thank you for not, you know, letting Arthur shoot her, because I don't think my heart could have taken it.

I love the way you see Mithian, and you hate her at once. That face.

No, no, you don't say he knows what to do. Your line is: "You don't know what to do? Sorry. Wish I could help. But, you know, you'd banish me if I even said her name again, much less gave you advice about her. Marry the pretty woman you don't love. Go ahead. See if I care!"

"You'll find each other." THEY'LL FIND EACH OTHER? NO, THEY WON'T! She's avoiding Camelot ON PAIN OF DEATH. Hello!

Sincerely, Kitty O

**THREE ~** You are so mean to your man, and today I find out why. You have another man waiting in the wings for when you are queen. You are loose-moraled, my non-friend. LOOSE-MORALED! Selling yourself for some help taking over Camelot is not the answer. Ever. You should save yourself for Merlin! Whoops, did I say Merlin? I meant marriage.

*SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE *No, seriously, woman, you will be with no one but Merlin or Agravaine if you must so help me, so stop flirting*

By dropping the ring, you helped Arthur realize he still loved Gwen. Ah. Don't you love Karma?

Sincerely, Kitty O

**FOUR ~ **Aw, bless. Felt for you this episode. Really, before now I've always wanted to like you. I found it hard knowing where you would eventually end up. But now Lancey-pants is dead and the whole thing was not your fault, so I say LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. Only, you need to go see Arthur to become Queen. Why so ashamed? Please, move on!

One thing, you know he took his new girl on a picnic? Yeah. I thought that was you two's thing. Apparently not.

I admit. You turning into a doe? I did not see that one coming. I was hit with that one unprepared. I was also a little annoyed when you didn't wake up to see Merlin healing you so that he can reveal his magic.

Sincerely, Kitty O

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT <span>EPISODE

If Leon dies next ep, who else will laugh and cry at the same time?

I predict Arthur won't even make it till next episode, on account of my killing him in his sleep. Oopsie.

Well, onto next episode!

~Kitty O of Awesomeness, peace out.


	12. The Sword in the Stone Pt 1

**A/N: HAHAHA /dead/. Kitty O has been killed by last episode. Her ghost will be writing this chapter. No worries, we're taking her to the hospital and hoping they can revive her. Thank you. That is all.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Gwaine could have been shirtless. Or, better, Agravaine could have walked up to Morgana and been like, "Look, be careful. You aren't safe and I'm your only friend…" And then stabbed her. Or then she stabbed him. Because I'm going to be frank, I was expecting someone to get stabbed and Helios isn't the type. He's too lusty.

I like Agravaine better than Helios now. Yay, Aggie! No longer my most hated Character! Whoop!

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE<span>

Now, you may wonder to yourself why G-Force didn't just whip up on those baddies. Well, Geoffrey has been short handed since Gwen was kicked out. Seriously, he's been having to use George for missions (like protecting Arthur when Merlin was missing) lately, that's how short handed he is even WITH Gwen. But don't worry, they'll get around to it.

I did enjoy watching Arthur being so wrong that Camelot went up into flames. It soothed my angry soul. Then, Arthur screamed like that, and Merlin went and stole his free will, and I instantly forgave him.

Now, when I say I hate Helios, I don't actually HATE him. I just love to hate him. Because Agravaine's all, "Will it never end?" and Helios is all, "CHICKEN IS SO GOOD."

That being said, I felt my heart break a little when Agravaine expressed his feelings on Morgana torturing Elyan. For one thing, that shows that this had gone on for a while. Poor Elyan! For another, Agravaine isn't just evil. He hated Uther and he is in love with Morgana. His problem is bad taste in women and a tendency to murder people who kill his siblings. And he's a weakling morally. (Yeah… that too.)

Pantless!Arthur. Once more. Regular as clockwork, these writers.

It's like the writers knew which characters we would all be disappointed in by the end of the season! See, they knew people would be angry at Elyan for his dismissal of Gwen. Solution? Have him get captured saving Arthur and then tortured. Gwaine has been little more than comic relief this season (and his hair has gone limp). Solution? Have him take down a man while taunting him for Morgana's amusement and a smile on his face.

Reason I love this show # 100,000,000: They made Tristan and Iseult (Isolde?) SMUGGLERS.

Reason I love his show # 100,000,001: They give Colin Morgan and Bradley James crossbows for a bromance-filled scene.

One thing knights are good at: disappearing. Leon ran off into the woods and out of sight. Percival didn't even bother. He fell down and out of sight, and then he simply disappeared. I know he'll be there next episode, but I think it would be great if he either 1, simply disappeared and didn't come back… like a ghost. Or 2, no one spares him a second thought until the end of the finale when it's all falling apart and then BAM! He pops up and runs Morgana through.

You could just read Elyan's mind when he pulled Gwaine back in the cell, just saying, "Don't." Like he was afraid he would push Morgana and Gwaine would receive the same treatment. It's so sad. Seriously, I don't even care that Elyan cracked, he just needs to be comforted! Anyone? I'm too far away, but there must be someone willing to give the pretty black boy a hug!

Percy's face when Arthur's willing to leave Camelot cracked me up.

Okay, y'all. I know that Gaius is good. But five seconds of Elyan's blank stare and he knew how he had been tortured? No one is that good. Get real.

Gwaine stinks at holding people off.

There's something awesome about Gwaine hitting that man when he's been defeated with a heavy object. It was just such a "Han shot first" moment (and please tell me you get that reference?). It was not an Arthur or Lancelot "hero" move. (Oh, those silly boys and their sparing people.) But it was a beast-mode move all the same, full of the kind of awesomeness that is Hungry!Protective!Angry!Gwaine in all his glory.

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

Morgana. Sure, Elyan and Gwaine might not be my most favorite knights. But they're in the group. AND NO ONE MESSES WITH MY GROUP. Also, Merlin deserved not a full-out punch but a bit of a thwack. He shouldn't take advantage of Arthur being mindless. That makes him like Morgana. And… Helios. He's a meanie, just in and of himself. There's no other reason. Except he eats gross.

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

Who will kill me if I say Aggie? He just needs to get out from under Morgana's thumb, really. He looks at her with so much love and she treats him like nobody. She is really stupid for it, too. Who treats their only friend like that? (Wait… *has flashback of Witchfinder and Valiant and just about every episode*… It's a Pendragon trait, eh?) Also, Arthur. Look at his face when Merlin took him away from Camelot. Like he knew he should remember and be feeling something, but there was nothing. Poor baby!

And Elyan. For obvious reasons.

* * *

><p><span>BEST QUOTE OF THE EPISODE<span>

Not this week. Sorry, too many. "He's a simpleton! He can't help it!" "Why do they hate me?" "So handsome… so selfless." And the unspoken curses between Helios and Aggie.

"They're… ah, smugglers." "SMUGGLERS?"

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Taking over Camelot is the easy part. Keeping her is the hard part.

_And_

"There are two things that are inevitable—death and taxes." Unless you're a smuggler.

* * *

><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~** I hope someone puts a tack in your illegally taken throne which you can't even correctly sit in. I know you think you're bad-asterisk (and okay, so you are a bit), but that doesn't mean you can sit in a throne any which-way you like, ma'am. Sit like a lady. And while you're at it, pull up your dress, O She of Loose Morals.

Yeah. I can sit here making snide comments at you all night. That's right. You should be scared.

So you can take over Camelot twice. With enough men, so could I. But you can't keep her because you aren't the right one. So stop being such a sore loser! And stop torturing poor hungry knights.

I wouldn't starve Gwaine if I were you. You were raised by men, and grew up with them. So don't you KNOW not to mess with them when they are hungry? But when you said you wanted Gwaine to sing for his supper, I was like, "If there is literal singing, I am so there."

What is it with you and fire and snakes? You are such a psychotic weirdo! And sadistic, too. Living alone has done strange things to your brain if you HOPED to get a chance to torture people. It's so not normal.

Sincerely, Kitty O's Ghost

**TWO ~** Yes, you walk away from that fire like a boss. You are very cool. No worries, we all think you're cool. No need to try to prove it. We know. You're just trying to impress her.

Seriously, though. I'm grateful for your slight and insufficient sympathy for Elyan's plight. However, that's not nearly enough. If you want to redeem yourself, do you know what you can do? Run Morgana through. The fandom may hate you now, but they will love you for it then.

Please, just because you see Merlin use magic, don't announce it, stupid! Did you see the look on his face? Man, if he kills you in cold blood and I have to deal with this, I'm blaming you! Well, I'm blaming him… AND YOU. Stupid.

Sincerely, Kitty O's Ghost

**THREE ~ **I loved how you took charge there at the beginning… Arthur was just like, "Get everyone a certain place!" And you were like, "EVERYONE! FOLLOW ME!" You're growing up so fast.

But… Imagine for a moment how ticked off you would be if you had your free will stolen? Yeah. Seriously. That made me angry. I know they wanted humor, but it made me angry. I have read reveal fics where Arthur asks you "Have you ever used your magic on me?" You can no longer say no. Now it's all, "Only to heal you and stuff… Oh, and to steal your free will! But I swear, NOTHING happened."

But… aw, you got to see your mother again. Love!

You know how you tell Arthur that it's not because they hate him? Please stop lying to the poor kid. It is so because they hate him. I mean… okay, the men just want his sister. The women who hate him… actually hate him. I mean, Morgana was like, "Bring me Arthur! I don't care about Camelot! I want Arthur!" That's not for a spot of tea. She's as bitter as unsweetened chocolate!

Sincerely, Kitty O's Ghost

**FOUR ~ **You scare me when you are agreeable.

You know, you can sulk for a long time if you are still upset over Gwen in the middle of a banquet. Seriously? Can't it wait until you're alone? I mean, it's not even like she broke up with you! You kicked her out.

I've seen several different ways already of looking at your reunion with her. Some people are of the opinion that the fact that you reuniting before the bracelet was found was a good thing. They think it shows no one can pull you two apart if you're willing to forgive that. Others don't like it. They think you're being stupid. Me, I just think you were so overwhelmed with joy at seeing her that you didn't give a darn about the Lancelot issue. You just wanted a hug! I'm good with that. However, if the bracelet is never found, I will not be happy.

How did you manage to get a broken rib in the front/side from a SWORD hitting you in the BACK? Takes skill.

I'm sorry your best friend saw fit to steal your will. I wouldn't have done it. But what can ya do?

Sincerely, Kitty O's Ghost

* * *

><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE<span>

I have a horrible feeling that Gwaine or Hunith may die. But I don't think they'll kill both. So. If Morgana kills Gwaine? I will pray Gwen kills her dead. If Agravaine kills Hunith? I'm not even sure I'll flinch if Merlin takes him out.

And Gwen and Morgana showdown will rock. Seriously.

Morgana will pull an Arthur, but she looks better than Arthur killing people through the hall because she's doing it without armor in a dress.

But I know. I know what we're all really thinking. Will the reveal happen? Will it be cool? Will it disappoint? Will Arthur be a prat? (Of course he will!) And will the series end on a cliffhanger?

I'm not sure if I'll survive next episode not knowing. How will I live? I'm afraid they won't. Actually, I'm kind of thinking they won't.

I may die.

Again. Since, you know, I'm really just a ghost.

Sorry if next chapter's a bit late… Christmas Eve and all. I'll try to get it up.

Merry Christmas! Unless you don't celebrate Christmas. In which case, well, I guess you won't have a merry Christmas, will you?


	13. The Sword and the Stone Pt 2

**A/N: Well, I'm not dead anymore. Was only mostly dead… a.k.a, slightly alive. So it's all good. **

**I think I speak for all of us when I proclaim NUH-UH! THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID WOULD HAPPEN! It's like… spoilers? What spoilers? Did we say that? We lied. **

**They're mean, imo.**

* * *

><p><span>ALTERNATE EPISODE<span>

Well, when Isolde is dying and Tristan is mourning and Gwen is crying and Arthur is pouting, Merlin thinks to himself, "Gee, she saved my king and destiny's life. I probably shouldn't just let her die and Tristan turn bitterer against Arthur, eh? Maybe I should do something." And then he heals her. Yes, right in front of Arthur, because hey, that's as good a reveal as any, and besides Tristan would have his back forever afterward!

* * *

><p><span>OVERALL THOUGHTS ON EPISODE <span>

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND A LINK? DO YOU? *sobs* I was dying. Again. And even after I found one it gave me trouble… tried to black out and stuff. Bad, bad internet. That's why this chapter is so late.

Hey, G-Force? Yep, it's Kitty. We have a bit of a situation… a renegade white baby dragon has "flown the nest"—aiding and abetting known fugitives. Look into that? You can send George, unless he's still undercover and guarding the king…

In my book, Elyan has made up for ignoring his sister by giving Gaius the food. Do you know how hard it is to give away food when you're starving, especially when they've refused it? And Gwaine has made up for everything he wasn't this season by being _Gwaine. _

Okay, the best part about this finale (despite all the non-revealedness of it) was the way they stuck to the legends. Merlin making up a story that sounds like the one King Arthur would pull the sword out of the stone to? Check! Gwen and Arthur married? Check. Gwen forgiven even though the story of Lancelot and her betrayal is never really known—as in, they still think she did it… Like in the legends? Check. And they even managed to kill half of Tristan and Isolde. And the white dragon not looking like the good guy (and I only know about this one since everyone complained that the white dragon was against Camelot)? Check! I loved seeing how they could make it legendary while making it up themselves!

Okay, I wish I could make those cool little picture things with the words and stuff on them, but I can't. If I could, though, I would have one of Arthur and Morgana during their showdown (when they are standing close enough to hug) glaring at each other, with Uther's picture in the background, preferably faded (like a dream or a spirit) and looking over them, with a quote underneath… Something like "You're more like him than you think" though I don't remember the exact words. I am just babbling here; I don't have the ability to create such a thing. But I think it would be really cool.

Soooooo… whatever happened to Ealdor? I mean, we left them burning with a dragon coming out of nowhere. I hope Hunith was at least notified about the wedding… or invited! I mean, she housed Gwen! Some grateful queen!

Tristan is the sort of man who brings his girl flowers for no reason in the middle of a war. That's pretty legit.

Agravaine looked way to happy when he found out about Merlin. I guess that was his acting. I think his death was very fair—he died how he lived: Serving Morgana and acting like the good guy, trying to take down something he didn't stand a chance against. In some ways, Aggy was a brave guy. In others, he was a stinker, but hey, he wasn't as cruel as Morgana. Let's put _that_ on his gravestone.

Sometimes it takes the dragon hours to respond. This time it took seconds both times. I mean, was he just hanging around, waiting for the call?

I TOLD YOU PEOPLE THAT 4.04 WAS NOT FILLER! That baby dragon has a point. Vindication! I have vindication. (Please, don't burst my bubble here.)

Not that I'm complaining, but where did Gwaine's shirt go to? Did someone take it? Did he take it off to warm Gaius, because he lost it in a fight, because it had someone's blood on it? I mean, isn't he cold?

Kilgharrah went searching for people? Hey, that's my idea! I haven't written that chapter of that story, but it was coming! I hate when they read my mind that way!

The sword budged before Merlin's magic, a tiny bit.

How did she know that Emrys can control a dragon? Does she think that he can just do anything automatically?

* * *

><p><span>SLUG-O-METER<span>

I would like to gently whack Merlin for not healing Isolde and for not revealing himself. I'd like to point and laugh at Helios for being killed… by a girl. I'd like to hit Morgana for not caring that Agravaine bit the dust. I'd like to ask Arthur to decide if he likes Gwen or hates her.

* * *

><p><span>HUG-O-METER<span>

I think Gwaine needs one for fighting with no food or energy and being locked up for a week. (And yet he still looks good!) And I think that… Okay, look, let's just hug the whole dang cast of characters (including Morgana with her injured-face) and send them on their way!

* * *

><p><span>BEST QUOTE OF EPISODE<span>

"You're making this up!" Because yes. Yes, he was. Blatant. Lies. Not even disguised. Not even trying. At least Arthur's got the brains to catch on!

* * *

><p><span>MORAL OF THE EPISODE<span>

Breakup line right here: "It's not you, it's your destiny!"

Also, don't mess with Merlin. Really. Don't.

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><p><span>MEMOS<span>

**ONE ~ **Yeah, good luck walking away from that fire with your swagger on! Not so tough when it's a dragon breathing the fire, are you?

Why did you look so happy when you figured it out about Merlin? I realize you are a good actor, but that was quick! You didn't even blink before you started trying to weasel your way into killing him.

Silly man, don't you know you can't kill the main character? Honestly. That trying to hit him while being friendly thing was so ill advised. But it was a great nod towards you stabbing that poor boy in 4.11. All the same, thanks for trying to hit him—because you had to die anyway, but this way it was self-defense and I don't have to worry about how Merlin is going downhill morally!

Really stinks that no one cared when you were gone, huh? Maybe you and Cenred should start some kind of fictional-afterworld uprising. Let me know how that turns out for you, huh?

Sincerely, Kitty O

**TWO ~ **I love the way you say "Me?", like "ME? Do something stupid? Come on, Arthur!" And then your plan was just like something you would do—say hello to the evil people.

I'm going to pause a moment to reflect on just how BAMF you were facing down the bad guys. With your dead serious face. It was so, so BAMF and cool… And you weren't even angry. You were just serious and had no intention of letting them hurt you or Arthur, and you also didn't go out of your way to kill them. It was strangely mature and quite scarily cold. But still awesome.

Your eyes were really, really blue when you were talking to the dragon. Actually, it was a little distracting. (What were you two talking about again?)

I really wanted you to shut up when Arthur was trying to take the sword and you just kept talking to him about how he should believe in himself. That's like people who tell you to concentrate on something deep in yourself, picture this and that… and then keep talking the entire time you're concentrating, prating on about concentration until you are ready to hit someone. A little annoying.

I loved you in disguise after being old. You are just so awesome sometimes. One of the best moments of the finale.

Sincerely, Kitty O

**THREE ~** Is all you ever do anymore pout? Yes, you're very cute. It's very nice. Now stop with the puppy dog eyes. We don't have time for looking sad at Gwen! We have a war to win!

And now? Really? NOW is the time you choose to start having a problem with your self-confidence? If you aren't fit to be king, you have no way of knowing. But a man who gives up to wallow in self-pity is definitely not fit to be king. It's about choices, man! Choices! Good thing you have Merlin, or frankly, you would not only be dead, you'd be kind of a rubbish king.

I just used the word _rubbish_. This show is rubbing off on me. *hits forehead* NOT BRITISH! NOT EUROPEAN! BAD!

But… awww… You came back to look for Merlin, your only friend! That's so sweet! You know you were worried that Aggy had skewered him!

But then you irritated me when you sent Gwen away, something about a moment of weakness. A hug is a moment of weakness? *eyebrow raise* Oh, well, I forgive you on account of your broken heart and the way you married her later.

You believe a bunch of lies, but hey, the sword is yours and yours alone to use, so I guess it's not like even that was a lie. After all, if anyone else tries to take it, the Great Dragon gets a bit… huffy. *wince*

Sincerely, Kitty O

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><p><span>PREDICTION FOR NEXT SEASON<span>

Merlin's magic is revealed. It better be. Because if it isn't… I may cry. I don't know. I nearly cried this time.

Overall, this episode, I was not horribly impressed. It was a good episode. But it wasn't spectacular, and I think a finale should be stellar. I'm not quite sure where it fell short of the mark. But I did enjoy it.

I will post one more chapter of this story. I want to put all the morals, count who got punched and hugged most, etc. I also want to say that I will post a season 5 story when it comes about. But I need a name. I want alliteration… i.e. Rules and Regulations, Restrictions and Reprimands. R's would be nice, but not necessarily. Something and Something… suggestions?


	14. Rebukes and Reviews

I hope you all had/have very happy holidays.

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><p>Okay, so here's the last part of this story. I decided on the name for my season 5 review fic. So when the time comes, please check out "Rebukes and Reviews". And thanks for all the suggestions. I will probably use them when season 6 rolls around (and it will roll around, won't it? I hope they make one).<p>

Now, if anyone's wondering about whether I'm doing memos for season 2… I don't know. I might, and I might not. But if I do, they'll probably be found in _Rules and Regulations_ right after my season 1 memos. I might do it to pass the time until season 5 comes.

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><p><strong>King Sabre Tooth<strong> made a picture of my suggestion last chapter with the showdown. It's on deviantART. Here's a link if you want to see it: _h t t p: / / kingsabretooth . deviantart . com /gallery/ #/ d4k9ei4_

But without the spaces. Thanks, **King Sabre Tooth**!

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><p>Okay, here are some of things over the season that I decided:<p>

Overall, this was my favorite season so far. Episode 5 was my favorite. What's yours?

Slug O Meter: I didn't count any time that it just said I wanted to gently poke or something like, except in the finale. I counted those all as punches.

Morgana: 8

Agravaine: 7

Arthur: 6

Merlin: 3

Helios: 2

Lancelot, gatekeeper woman, King Odin, the dude who had his life spared in e5, Cutter, Gwaine, Leon: 1 each.

Hug O Meter: 

Arthur, Merlin, and Elyan: 2 each.

Gaius, Shade!Lancelot, ghost druid boy, Gwen, Mithian, Agravaine, and Gwaine: 1 each.

Now add +1 to everyone, even those who weren't on the list.

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><p><span>Morals of this season: <span>Everything I need to know in life I learned from season 4 of _Merlin_:

It's okay to kill your injured or handicapped sister if you get some really awesome benefits from it… Like life insurance! Or the chance at the throne.

When a creepy man asks you to meet him in his chambers that evening so you can give him "advice", go ahead and do so. Alone. He obviously has NO ulterior motives.

Gwen and Geoffrey should team up to fight crime.

Just because your father is paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ all out to get you. Even circuses want to kill you. Your best bet is to kill every person who walks through the city gate that looks even slightly suspicious.

Dragons are people too!

Go ahead, break Gwen's heart. She won't even hold a grudge. So it's all good.

In Camelot, the solution to everything is to don a loose billowy cloak with a hood. It'll also make you invisible. But be aware that it will only make you invsible if you are actually doing something illegal. If not, they'll catch you.

Take the poison. You never know when you might need to kill someone.

A man who is all right does not pace.

If that is a sword, it does hurt.

If you tell the person who has you that you aren't afraid of dying, they won't kill you. They'll do something you're actually afraid of. Like torture you. So _don't tell_ the enemy if you aren't afraid of dying!

Be female. If you can't manage that, you're pretty much in trouble. So just have chainmail with the sleeves ripped off instead.

It's _perfectly_ honorable to kill yourself after wrecking the king's marriage. The king himself said so.

Sure. Go ahead and hug the ghost to warm him up. Because ghosts aren't _supposed_ to be cold or anything.

Showing up boys while hunting is a sure way to impress them. They won't get their male egos hurt or anything!

Taking over Camelot is the easy part. Keeping her is the hard part.

"There are two things that are inevitable—death and taxes." Unless you're a smuggler.

Breakup line right here: "It's not you, it's your destiny!"

Also, don't mess with Merlin. Really. Don't.

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><p><span>MEMO answers: <span>

_The Darkest Hour Part 1:_ One, Lancelot. Two, Morgana. Three, Gwaine. Four, Arthur. Five, Percival. Six, Uther. Seven, Merlin.

_The Darkest Hour Part 2:_ One, Gwaine. Two, Gwen. Three, Merlin. Four, Elyan. Five, Dragon. Six, Uther.

_The Wicked Day: _One, Uther. Two, Arthur. Three, Gaius. Four, Merlin.

_Aithusa:_ One, Leon. Two, Arthur. Three, Gaius. Four, Merlin.

_His Father's Son: _One, Gwen. Two, Percival. Three, Arthur. Four, Morgana.

_A Servant of Two Masters: _One, George. Two, Arthur. Three, Merlin. Four, Morgana.

_The Secret Sharer: _One, Morgana. Two, Agravaine. Three, Arthur. Four, Gaius. Five, Merlin. Six, Gwaine.

_Lamia: _One, Gwen. Two, Merlin. Three, Elyan. Four, Percival.

_Lancelot du Lac: _One, Arthur. Two, Gwen. Three, Agravaine. Four, Morgana. Five, Merlin.

_The Herald of a New Age: _One, Merlin. Two, Arthur. Three, Elyan.

_The Hunter's Heart: _One, Helios. Two, Merlin. Three, Morgana. Four, Gwen.

_The Sword in the Stone Part 1: _One, Morgana. Two, Agravaine. Three, Merlin. Four, Arthur.

_The Sword in the Stone Part 2: _One, Agravaine. Two, Merlin. Three, Arthur.

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><p>Well, it's been fun, folks. When Season 5 comes out, please do check out my story <em>Rebukes and Reviews<em>!

~Kitty O of Awesomeness, NRKOA, PBO, whatever else you may know me as, out!


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